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Tom Baker
Small business owner. Check out . Helps out at .
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Tom Baker retweeted
Norm Sherman Sep 24
Replying to @GreatDismal
Not to get too sentimental, but getting to read one of 's stories was a HUGE honor. Here's a link to it, originally posted in 2012:
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Tom Baker retweeted
Joe Christianson Sep 24
Whenever someone doesn’t believe that I got hit by golf ball sized hail, I show them my collection of teeny-tiny golf balls.
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The Onion Sep 24
R.A. Has Bad Feeling About Kid In Cloak
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Tom Baker retweeted
Eliza Bayne Sep 24
I like my men how I like my coffee. Not cheating on me with that bitch Amy
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Josh Sep 22
toddler *hands me a bag of chips* me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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Brian Bilston Sep 24
Here’s a new poem about going on a first date with someone and discovering, to your delight, that you have so much in common.
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Tom Baker retweeted
Jake Sep 23
[Visiting groomers] GROOMER: What would you like today, sir? ME: Make her into a circle. GROOMER: But, sir? ME: A goddamn circle. GROOMER: Very well...
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liv. Sep 22
me: Dinner’s in the fridge boyfriend: Ok me: You misspelled “thanks”
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Tom Baker retweeted
inkedupandsonic Sep 23
[Invention of the bullet proof vest] Me: just shoot me, it’s all good *single gunshot* Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest
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Tom Baker retweeted
Susannah Hares Sep 23
Now *this* is what to do when you witness a mansplainer at work ⬇️
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John P. Glynn Sep 21
Good thing about a toddler who won't finish the lunch I made is holy shit grilled cheese dipped in bbq sauce is delicious.
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Tom Baker retweeted
Island Girl Aug 26
You know you got every inch out of yesterday when you are unable to move a muscle today.
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John Darby Oct 16
[before meditation] I just wanna kill someone [after meditation] and I know EXACTLY how
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distracdad Apr 5
Whenever I’m tired of a shoe, I just get on the highway and chuck it out the window like everyone else.
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Jack The Jew Jan 31
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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Best of Nextdoor Sep 22
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Tom Baker retweeted
David Hughes Sep 22
My wife gets really annoyed when I say we got it secondhand. She prefers “adopted”.
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Tom Baker retweeted
keely flaherty 14 Dec 16
me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together* hotel security: miss why are you- me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
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Tom Baker retweeted
J'B 4 Realz Sep 20
me: i need you to find my satchel. private investigator: it's an open and shut case. me: *grabs him by the collar* i know that. i need you to find it.
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Tom Baker retweeted
jeff Sep 21
I could probably adlib 3 hours of conversation with any cashier or someone having a garage sale, but feel incredibly awkward toward the thought of asking a girl out for an innocent, interested, get to know-one-another-more type of date. Help me.
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