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Matthew
I'm in a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it. and I'm married.
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Matthew Jul 19
I'd let Bill Gates put a microchip in me. I'd let Bill Gates put anything in me. I want to fuck Bill Gates.
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Matthew Jul 12
Watch some birds eating out of a bird feeder then imagine you and your friends flailing your arms wildly while trying to enjoy your lunch.
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Matthew May 30
Why don't dogs get to eat lunch?
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Matthew Apr 13
How did you get blocked already?
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Matthew Apr 13
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Matthew Apr 13
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Matthew Apr 13
Replying to @RAGBRAI_IOWA
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Matthew Apr 13
Replying to @RAGBRAI_IOWA
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Matthew retweeted
demi adejuyigbe Apr 11
spent a lifetime workin on my “don’t be alarmed neighborino i’m just a friendly passerby” smile for white people and now i gotta walk around with a bandana on my mouth. this is bullshit
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Matthew retweeted
Social Distancing Medusa 💗💜💙 Mar 19
It’s Been One week since we quarantined Said we’d all stay inside And eat our groceries
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Matthew Mar 16
Replying to @markhoppus
And.....???
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Matthew Mar 16
Hey , might be time to think up a new promotion. Maybe free toilet paper for a year?
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Matthew Mar 13
TP-ing someone's house would be about the most boughie thing you could do right now.
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Matthew Mar 13
Of all the corporate email responses to the coronavirus that I've received, the one from the company that I bought pants from via Instagram ad over a year ago has been the most comforting.
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Matthew Jan 4
Replying to @AsherLangton
Hell yeah brother
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Matthew Dec 26
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
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Matthew Dec 25
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Matthew retweeted
Hi, it's Abby. Yep. Dec 11
Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit
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Matthew 27 Jan 17
Just got an email from Dave giving me all the best. If you wanted some best, fuck off. Dave gave it all to me.
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