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Séamas It Ever Was
Got my days wrong and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Right, this was when I was eighteen so don't judge me too harshly. Or if you think drugs are cool and I'm a legend, fill your boots. Anyway, at the time I was working through college in Dublin with bar shifts at [redacted] music venue. One day I get a call on my day off.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Way the gig worked, you'd either get Fri or Sat off. This week it was Fri, happy days. My manager, let's call her Dympna, pipes up on the phone: "So, when you come in this evening, just a few things to remember". I'm like, hold on Dympz, I'm off this eve, jog on. She corrects me.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
"Remember I said you could get all of Saturday off if you just worked 2 hours tonight?". And of course THEN, I did suddenly remember, she'd said it to me as I was leaving the building and my conscious work brain was doing somersaults to get out of the place.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
She could have told me I was to have my foreskin tattooed with a harpoon and I would have given her a smile, thumbs up, and a flurry of yeps to get out of the place. I was eighteen. On minimum wage, and - bear in mind this is really saying something - my absolute minimum effort.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
So, I'm bang to rights and I say "yeaaah, of course, sorry just got my days mixed up, I'll be there no problem" and she says, "this evening will be fine, just the head of the [redacted] and some VIPs, few hours then you can take off". All good. Except for the one thing.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
At that very moment, I was in a mate's house on Dame St, relaxing with (I thought) nothing to do for the evening. Now you have to remember that, before dabbing and fortnite, kids used "drugs" to get high and I was, occasionally, adjacent to them.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
I was a fairly sheltered kid before college, and didn't even drink til I was well into my late teens, never smoked even. I was very green. So too, coincidentally, was the homebrew ketamine that said pal was making IN HIS OVEN when I arrived.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
My pal had gotten it in liquid form and, for some reason, it had been dyed green - he has subsequently told me he thought it was a St Patrick's Day promotion, and I've always thought it a charming entrepreneurial flourish on the part of his enterprising ketamine wholesaler.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
(Ketamine wholesalers are often vets, and the stuff originally for cats. People always say horse tranquiliser, either to make it sound more sordid or more badass, but ketamine is used on many animals, and vets have more use for cat tranqs than horses. Not quite as sexy is it?)
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Anyway, for want of a better idea, I took him up on his offer of a line of this thick, vaguely slightly clumpy bright green powder, knowing I had nothing else to do for the evening. Felt nothing. Had a tiny further bump 10 mins later. It was at this point that my phone rang.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
FLASHBACK ENDS, WE'RE BACK IN THE ROOM. So I'm definitely sweating after the call, not like instant come-up, more worried ABOUT the come-up. Never done this in my life, I've no idea how it's going to feel. But, absent any other idea, I get my stuff together and head to work.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
On way to work, starts kicking in. You know when the roof of your mouth starts politely folding your brain in half, and your chest flutters like a cathedral filled with bees? I was holding it together but knew if I stopped concentrating for one second, I would become time itself.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
By the time I reach work (twenty mins later) I am sweating like microwaved bread, eyes on hinges, convinced my fingernails owe me money. I have an overwelming urge to yawn, just to get the memories out WHEN in comes Dympna with the rota for the evening.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
D: Thanks again, know it's short- oh, you look a bit hot and bothered, did you run here ha?" Me: Hmnnnnnyes, I did - the dids is" D: OK, just you tonight and the top man, he's showing the President what's going on for the next while" [one beat] Me: Sorr din you sez de presddyen?"
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
D: Yes, Mary McAleese is in to see this season's programme of events. Me: Hmmnggg D: All you need to do is stand in the corner and offer them drinks every fifteen minutes. Me: Ahhh yesssshnshh D: Maybe have a wash beforehand
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
So the gig is this: Mary McAleese (the *original* MMA) was to go round this room upstairs which had upcoming acts for the season illustrated with photographs and programme notes. The director of [redacted] would walk her around and say "fricken great, Madge innit?" or whatever.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
My role is pretty weird, I have to stand in the corner and then every 15 mins, INTERRUPT this live-wire pair to offer them drinks, which protocol dictates they must refuse. I have barely processed any of this before I'm grabbing a tray and heading upstairs.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
The tray, btw, contains a white wine, a red wine, a G&T, a whiskey, a rum and coke and some mineral waters. Always found that mix weird. Imagine the President of Ireland seeing the rum and coke and going "oooooh nice one, ta - now tell me about this Latvian choir again".
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Right now I can hold it together when stimulated, when the adrenaline and fear is keeping me just ticking over - I'm weird but with it. Problem is, my job is now to stand silent and motionless in a room on my own until the President of Ireland arrives.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Time passes on my own. Empires crumble and glaciers dissolve, stars die and oceans melt, out on the dusty planes of mother earth, hot bursts of young love gift the miracle of life; children are born, raised, stricken infirm and die of old age. And then Mary McAleese walks in.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
By now, having been alone with my thoughts for the entire Cretaceous period, I am no longer mildly weird but deeply, extravagantly deranged. As the President of Ireland walks in, with my boss's boss's boss's boss, my first impulse is to greet them like I own the place.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
It would be rude, surely, to not acknowledge their presence? Out of order even. Best thing to do would obviously be to say "hello guys" like it's my home and I live there, in this big white room, where I stand in the corner, alone, holding a tray of drinks, like you do, at home.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Me: hello guys
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Anyway, by the divine grace of the infant Christ, they somehow do not hear me say this, and begin their itinerary round the room. I clench my entire head and focus on not shouting across the room to let them know that they should always feel at home here in this room of ours.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
I become extremely aware of my hands, and how I haven't felt them in a very long time. They're detuned to static , which would be worrying even if they weren't holding a tray of drinks filled with noise and judgement. I hold no faith or creed other than "do not drop these plz".
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Just when dropping everything seems to become less urgent, I realise it's time to go over and offer these motherfuckers some fucken drinks, let's get this party started wooooooo
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
I begin walking over to them and I move so abruptly that the glasses clink and they turn to look at me. I did this too fast. Now I'm thinking wooooah slow down there martina hingis, so I self-correct to a much slower speed. Watching my breath, nice and casual, you got this buddy.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
Guys. GUYS. Now, I'm moving far too slow. I started at this speed and I'm to embarassed to change and now it's gonna take me like 5 mins to cross the room. They are watching me, frowning and sweaty, traversing the 5 foot between us like it's a wooden plank on the Crystal Maze.
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Séamas It Ever Was 3 May 18
Replying to @shockproofbeats
I'm moving so slow my legs are cramping. I think they're wondering why it's taking me so long. It's way harder than walking at normal speed. I'm shaking so the drinks are making noise again. For what feels like minutes. Anyway, I offer them the drinks and they say no.
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