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Justin
Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says
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Justin 9 May 17
"Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."
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Justin 13 Jun 16
"Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."
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Justin 12 Jun 14
Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying.
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Justin 25 Mar 14
"Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death:
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Justin 19 Dec 13
"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."
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Justin 16 Jun 13
"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."
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Justin 28 May 13
My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about:
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Justin 13 Feb 13
A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day:
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Justin 11 Oct 12
"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."
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Justin 20 Aug 12
"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
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Justin 22 Jun 12
"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
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Justin 14 Jun 12
"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: )
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Justin 4 Jun 12
"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
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Justin 15 May 12
"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book out today. An excerpt:
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Justin 11 May 12
"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
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Justin 1 May 12
"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book
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Justin 24 Apr 12
"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book:
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Justin 17 Apr 12
"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book:
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Justin 5 Apr 12
"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.
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Justin 23 Mar 12
"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
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