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Sarah Constantin
If you ever struggle with “problem behaviors” like losing your temper, feeling like you have to be perfect, procrastinating, people-pleasing, or hating yourself, I highly recommend the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Don’t let the title throw you off: it’s not just applicable to people who had dramatically horrible childhoods. The book’s thesis is that people can get fucked up by parents who were “merely” emotionally distant or verbally cruel.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
An “emotional flashback” or “being triggered”, in the book’s lexicon, is basically any time someone “freaks out” or has an excessive emotional reaction to a situation. Also, “motivated cognition”, “denial”, “being avoidant”, all kinds of fear of looking at the truth.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Those dysfunctional patterns seem like just “the human condition” or “things everybody does”; but the book implies that they are due to trauma and that it is in principle possible to *wholly* eliminate them; it’s just REALLY hard.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
If any time you notice you screwed up, you punish yourself, because you associate mistakes with childhood punishment, then it’s hard to stop that pattern because you’ll punish yourself...for punishing yourself.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
So “fear of social punishment”, and all the attendant coping mechanisms (self-isolating, being defensive, perfectionism, self-serving biases, etc) is *hard* to get rid of, ie it might take decades from the point you first decide you want to change.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
The book is *extremely gears-level and accurate* about how emotional flashbacks work, in a way I’ve never seen in writing before.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
You encounter something that makes you feel a *little* bad. You’re like “pshaw, this is no big deal” and dismiss the feeling. But it tends to *escalate* gradually into a bad day; you get irritable, you get down on yourself, you do things you feel ashamed of...
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
The solution is to *actually be nice to yourself*. Yes, really. Like a loving mother. The book has example scripts like “you are a good person” and “you don’t have to be perfect to get my love and protection.” It’s kind of magical how well that works.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
“But should I really be nice to myself? I do things I objectively shouldn’t! Isn’t this kind of...unjust?” Nope! Common rookie mistake!
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
It would totally be unfair of you to expect *other people* to give you endless, unconditional love and support. But that doesn’t apply to *you*. You’re stuck with yourself for good; you *can* commit to being on your own side no matter what.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Everyone needs validation! The problem is not that you need it, the problem is that you *never give yourself any* so you’re looking for it externally. You’re not greedy, you’re *starving*.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
It’s interesting to compare and contrast this with Ayn Rand’s take on the same issue. She *gets* that insecurity/motivated cognition/social validation-seeking is an incredibly destructive force, and that it’s really common but *not* a necessary part of the human condition.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Her portrait of an insecure people-pleaser (Peter Keating) could have been a vignette in the CPTSD book. Raised by a domineering mother, a young man becomes obsessed with social approval & professional “success”, to the point that he has no idea what he himself thinks or feels —
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
eventually his sucking up to people escalates to plagiarism, betraying his best friend, ruining his romantic relationship, and even murder. Outwardly he seems nice and competent, but he’s actually miserable and morally rudderless.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
The problem is that he’s the villain. He has no way to redeem himself. Rand tends to describe the pathologies of insecurity as evil. And while they *are* really harmful, and it *does* make sense for people to learn to recognize dangerous people and defend themselves,
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
just identifying the pattern as “evil” is a *totally inept* form of guidance for people who struggle with insecurity. It’s a useful wake-up call if you weren’t previously aware of the problem, but it’s not a method for solving the problem.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
According to the CPTSD book, it’s super common for people to realize “Oh! I have an irrational, dysfunctional behavior pattern! Now that I understand that, I’ll just never do it again.” And then you do it again. And get discouraged, and give up.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
In a “well resourced” mental state, you feel clear, open-minded, able to take criticism, and you like yourself. You don’t feel the need to be defensive or people-pleasing or hide from reality.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
If you switch between states like that, and states where you have overwhelming cravings to do things you know are dumb, the latter state is an emotional flashback. And “I’ll never have a flashback again, now that I know they’re Bad” is an unrealistic promise to make.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
The book’s approach is a.) notice flashbacks *early* when they’re *little* and apply self-compassion; b.) make time for working through grief and anger at how you were mistreated in the past. Cry and yell. Put the blame on the perpetrators, instead of on yourself or on innocents.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
(Mistreatment “counts” as such even if it’s normal in your culture. There are probably many things we think are “normal” to do to children which are wrong and damage their minds.)
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Once I had this model, I see “triggered” behavior EVERYWHERE. “Is this person being reactive/defensive/flinchy/avoidant/appeasing?” Well, often, yes! It makes me both more compassionate and more judgmental, if that makes sense.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
I often ask myself the question “was that person doing a dumb thing just there, or was it actually the optimal move in a game of N-dimensional chess I don’t understand?” Well, if they have the speech patterns and body language of a triggered person, it’s probably a dumb thing.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
(obviously, it’s much harder to tell if you haven’t observed the person yourself, which is why speculating about the motives of people you only know from the news is so unreliable.)
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
The model in the CPTSD book also neatly explains how you can get so many "life-changing epiphanies" that don't stick. Going to a self-improvement workshop, or reading a good book or having a good conversation, can *put you in a non-triggered, well-resourced mental state.*
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Inside that mental state, you feel like "Gosh, I was so insecure before! I don't feel *any* need to do those dumb things any more, now that I realize that I'm a basically good person and I can actually look at the problems in my life as solvable! I'm cured!"
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
But then if you get triggered again, you're back to being the person you were before, so you'll conclude the epiphany was "fake." It wasn't -- you really were in a better, saner state temporarily. But it wasn't a "cure" either.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @s_r_constantin
Actual progress, says the book, means *gradually* getting triggered *less often*, and catching your triggered states earlier so they don't escalate as high or knock you out for as long.
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @ESYudkowsky
The book's model is an alternative to the traditional "rationalist" model a la 's Sequences. The theory of cognitive bias is "people are full of motivated cognition by default; evolution didn't build our brains to think clearly and accurately..."
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Sarah Constantin 31. sij
Odgovor korisniku/ci @ESYudkowsky
"so we are *by nature* prone to flinch from harsh truths and otherwise avoid reality. But maybe if you're extremely motivated and work very hard to resist cognitive temptations, you can overcome them."
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