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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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elaborated this into its own thread, not a fan of the wording i used anymore b/c it's natural to feel sad that our friends are sad, *and*...
(sorry david can't figure out how to untag you)
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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moar liek
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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i'm chill with all the weird intensity all the time 💪
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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but as usual @DougTataryn's bio-emotive framework is a place i'd highly recommend to start:
bioemotiveframework.com
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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acceptance is the fundamental level 1 skill and if you master it (which is hard) you'll already be much better at emotional support than almost everyone
at higher levels you can also learn how to help people name, express, and process their feelings - that's another thread
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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i wrote a thread
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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ultimately your capacity to accept other people's feelings and pain is bottlenecked by your capacity to accept your own, so if you want to train this skill you can work on that
then tell your friends you're not going to be hurt if they tell you about their pain! (if that's true)
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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you can help people get distance from overwhelming feelings without needing them to be different - "i hear that you feel like a bad person right now"
you can just reflect and accept
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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acceptance also means you don't do the "CBT-ish" (someone have a better word for this?) thing of trying to argue with the feelings - "no you're not a bad person, you're so good!"
this pushes the feelings away when you could be holding them
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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your fear of being a bad person / friend if you don't do enough to help your friend is actually your stuff to deal with, not theirs; if your friend's going through a hard time and asking for support and you're willing to give it, set your stuff aside and save it for later
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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a common subtle form of non-acceptance is feeling a need to fix or help, esp. if it comes with a fear that if you don't you're a bad person / friend. what you are doing here is needing them to be different, to not be feeling what they're feeling; this doesn't feel good
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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the actual #1 most important thing you need to do when supporting someone else emotionally is to just *accept whatever is happening for them*
there are obvious ways of not accepting like freaking out or getting angry, but there are more subtle ones too
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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i want to talk to the people who want to do better than this
it is possible to become the kind of person who is not hurt by other people's emotional expressions, and then you can become a space where other people can feel safe expressing; this is vitally needed work
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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unfortunately it is just actually true that many people don't know how to handle other people's feelings; you feel too strongly and express it to them and they get sad or scared or angry
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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this is a tricky but important thing to talk about so i'd like to clarify, the wording here is slightly off
many of us are not sharing with our friends / loved ones how much pain we're actually in because we worry it's so much we would be hurting them; i wanna talk about this twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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hell yeah!
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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a lovely bouquet
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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💛
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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thanks, sounds fun, good luck 🙏
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
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28. sij |
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ugh yes i wish people understood how to handle other people's suffering
twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/st…
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