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Myq Kaplan
standup comic w/amazon special (), podcast (), & twitter bio
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Myq Kaplan 16h
“would you kill baby hitler?” “i would kill any baby” “...” “...” “...” “...” “same”
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
i like to do the irish hello which is where you don’t even show up to the party.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 5
when you hear someone say they “stan” someone, do you think of it as meaning: 1) they are a stalker/fan like the guy Stan in that Eminem song 2) they are a stalker/fan and “stan” is those two words combined 3) both 4) neither what’s stanning is stanning the right word i’m old
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
i like to do the irish hello which is where you don’t even show up to the party.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
an all-tree reboot of every scarlett johansson movie.
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Myq Kaplan 30 Nov 14
"i want those time machine blueprints on my desk yesterday!" -- me today, to me tomorrow (i'm my own boss)
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
there is a magazine called Parade Magazine but DO NOT BE FOOLED.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
“why can’t everyone just focus on the human beings that AREN’T crammed in cages without access to showers or humane treatment?” — our Vice President, basically
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but you can THANK all of the people all of the time. thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you everyone! thank you all!
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Megan Amram Jul 13
A female is a "person" from conception until birth, a "young woman" as an underaged child sexualized and assaulted by old men, and a "girl" as a grown professional trying to command respect. got it.
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Myq Kaplan 24 Feb 12
i don't usually like making blanket statements, but i really love blankets.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
CUTE JOKE ALERT! striving for immortality is a forever and ever endeavor. CUTE JOKE OVER! AND OVER! AND OVER!
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
ingredients for a joke: — a to-do list is a thing — “to and fro” is a phrase — frodo is hobbit’s name put it all together and you’ve got a long journey all over the place and at the end you might throw your whole precious thing out (the thing is this fro-do list joke)
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Myq Kaplan Jul 13
Replying to @NatTowsen
yes but i think the fight club rules only apply if you're IN the club. like, you don't have to be kosher if you're not jewish. i mean, you don't have to be kosher if you ARE jewish.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 12
did we ever find out the THIRD rule of fight club?
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Myq Kaplan Jul 12
will someone let me know when Instagram stories aren’t cool anymore and that’s when i’ll know it’s time for me to learn how to do them.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 12
i’ve heard that the “🙏” emoji which i’ve been using to mean prayer hands is “actually” a high five. but what is a high five other than a two-person momentary prayer hand collaboration? what is a high five other than the sound of one hand clapping... against one other hand? 🙏
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Myq Kaplan Jul 12
the world’s best boat is a bus.
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Myq Kaplan Jul 12
"what should we nickname our town whose most striking feature is that it has a lot of winding roads?" "how about the windy city?" "perfect, can't see a reason that would be confusing to anyone" "i know, winding roads, windy city, everyone will love it and us"
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Myq Kaplan Jul 11
“i cracked the case!” “you solved the mystery?” “no i dropped my phone” “well at least you solved the mystery of who dropped your phone” “now onto my NEXT case...”
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