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Matthew Royer
Homer Simpson's stunt double
588
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48
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38
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Tweets
Matthew Royer retweeted
Nick Offerman Nov 8
Dear America, Passions will run high 2nite Please take the high road & embrace ur fellow citizens no matter the outcome🇺🇸
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Matthew Royer retweeted
Norm Macdonald Nov 8
Writing books is a fine thing but when you write a novel and then they go and call it non-fiction that can break a guy's spirit.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
SciencePorn 🚀 Aug 24
First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "I'm fine"
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Matthew Royer retweeted
Bill Murray Jun 23
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
JasonLastname Aug 9
I'll have the BLT, but hold the mayo. In your hand. Then wipe it on so it's warm.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
JasonLastname Aug 9
[date night] Me: I'll just have water. Waiter: We only have milk products. Me: What? Cow: Huh?
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Matthew Royer retweeted
JasonLastname Aug 7
You can usually tell the milk is spoiled when it only sits next to the white, free-range eggs.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
JasonLastname Aug 4
do all whales make songs or only the depressed, self absorbed whales
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Matthew Royer retweeted
Philip DeFranco Jun 9
Wow! The video at just passed 10 million views. Love seeing common sense/decency shared.
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Matthew Royer 31 Jan 16
- I think this couple watched The Jungle Book one too many times.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
Shower Thoughts 13 Jan 16
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
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Matthew Royer retweeted
JasonLastname 12 Jan 16
Never fall into a Brad Pit, they're full of Brads.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
Ricky Gervais 12 Jan 16
Suggesting a joke about Caitlin Jenner is automatically transphobic is like suggesting a joke about Bill Cosby is automatically racist.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
alex 4 Nov 15
I don't like this Netflix feature where they automatically play the movie while your reading the description.
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Matthew Royer retweeted
alice 12 Nov 15
Netflix I don't appreciate you starting to play when I only want to read an alternate description :/ :/ ://
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Matthew Royer retweeted
Peter Fingler 21 Nov 15
. Give me an option, in every app, to disable auto playing of anything other than the next episode of a series.
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Matthew Royer 21 Nov 15
please stop movies and episodes from playing when all I want to do is read a description. Highly annoying. Happens on Roku 3.
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Matthew Royer 9 Nov 15
I often wonder if there has ever been a biker that was strangled to death by his own ponytail.
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Matthew Royer 7 Nov 15
Me? I never curse. Unless I'm scared... Or mad... Or driving... Or talking to people... Or breathing...
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Matthew Royer 7 Nov 15
thanks for the lap dance. Sorry we shook hands.
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