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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷
MOTHERHOOD: The scariest HOOD we'll ever go through. Coffee, Swearing & ✞ Needed, WINE DESERVED
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 2h
No one warned me that it would take 17 years just to get everyone out of the house and buckled into the car once you have children.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 19h
If you’ve ever wondered how long it would take your kids to come looking for you if you snuck out to your car and hid there so you could catch a break, the answer is 11 minutes and it is every bit as glorious as it sounds
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 24
First baby: [pacifier falls to the floor] Eeeeeek!!! Sterilize it, quick!! Do we have another one that’s clean?? Third baby: [licking the actual floor] Omg how cute is she, and look at how flexible she is!
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 23
Welcome to parenthood: Matching socks are a thing of the past now.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 23
I feel at my most superhuman when I’m able to muscle through the finagling discomfort of bringing in every grocery bag in just one trip.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 23
“Oh, I see that you spent the winter drinking lots of wine and eating too much cheese.” - my clothes every spring
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 20
Person: It’s good to see you, you look great! Me: Thanks, I took a shower this week.
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MyMomologue Apr 19
Life is complicated. It’s like, there are all these things I want done, but I don’t want to do any of them.
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Tired Dad of 2 Apr 19
My kids are at their most precious when they are sleeping and my wife and I are looking at pictures of them on our phones.
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Snarky Breeders Apr 19
Please don’t say hurtful things like, “Mom, what’s for dinner?”
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Ramblin Mama Apr 19
Pro tip: Bribe your kid with stuff from the coffee place so everyone wins.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 18
Replying to @MacgyveringM22
Ah, Easter. Yes Easter has always been my favorite celebration about how Jesus rose from the dead and made some soup.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 18
Me: Hey guys, Easter is this weekend, do you remember what it’s about?! Twins: Candy! Jelly beans!! CHOCOLATE!!! Me: Yes! And do you remember WHY we celebrate Easter? Twins: Jesus!! M: Thats right! It’s about Jesus doing what? T: M: He rose up and... T: ...MADE SOUP!!!!
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 15
I realized earlier that the urine I kept smelling was coming from my own shirt. Apparently, my toddler had somehow peed on it & now Im still wearing it bc I figured “meh, at least it’s not poop” This is what motherhood reduces us to. A bunch of unbothered, urine scented, badasses
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 14
Replying to @obme57
🤣🤣🍷✊🏻
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 13
I may not be able to turn water into wine, but I sure as shit can turn wine into dinner.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 11
*Takes a 4.5 minute shower without being inundated by random screaming and requests for juice that their father could easily get* “Am I at a spa??” “Is.... IS THIS A SPA DAY?!?!”
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 10
Me: Ok guys, it’s time for bed!! Kids:
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 9
Keep the magic alive in your marriage by sending your husband to Whole Foods with this list and then turn off your phone: • gluten tacos • kale milk • free range hot dogs • whale cheese (orange kind) • kombucha pizza • banana juice • omega 5 avocados • flowbiotics
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Apr 6
*rsvps to a birthday party two hours before it starts instead of just one hour* “I am the picture of responsibility. No one is more dependable than I”
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