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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷
MOTHERHOOD: The scariest HOOD we'll ever go through. Coffee, Swearing & ✞ Needed, WINE DESERVED
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 10h
You know you’re a parent when sitting alone in silence and gazing absently at the wall for 7 minutes feels like a vacation.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 15h
Taking twin toddlers out in public: providing free birth control since forever.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 retweeted
Oops!...I Dad It Again Feb 18
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming. God: it could be worse. Sea Turtle: how? God: tell him crab. Crab: my legs are delicious. God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 18
Prepare for parenthood by memorizing that scene in “The Devil Wears Prada” where Miranda asks Andy to go fetch her a T-Bone steak, & after Andy jumps through hoops to get it for her, Miranda sneers & says “What’s that? I don’t want that” while looking at her like she’s an idiot.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 17
The twins have been force feeding me Cheetos while laughing hysterically for the past 5 minutes and this is exactly the type of self care I’ve been needing in my life.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 17
In the car the other day, 3 told me to “turn off the sun” because it was hurting his eyes, and then screamed furiously the entire way home when I told him I can’t do that bc I’m not God, and if that doesn’t sum up the essence of toddlerdom, then idk what does.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 15
Some of y’all never had to wait 17 minutes for dial-up internet to load, only to then get kicked off when someone else tried to use the phone and it shows.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 15
Thanks for including me!💖
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 14
I followed my heart and it led me to my 4th glass of wine.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
Replying to @dontlosethekids
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
Replying to @jay_meemac
Absofuckinglutely 🤣🙌🏻🍷🍷🍷🍷
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
Replying to @mattl @Mom_Overboard
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
Replying to @bedtimeorbust
Tweet that shit!!🤣🤣🙌🏻
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
[kids are finally asleep] “Holy fuck, I need to clean this house” *pours giant glass of wine and sits down for the night*
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 11
Replying to @adanie5
😭😭😭👿👿
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 11
Have you recently found a healthy-ish new food that your kids will actually eat? Did you buy it in bulk? Congratulations. Your kids no longer like this food.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 10
When your baby comes out looking like a 39 year old named Todd
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 10
If you’ve ever bribed your older child to go and check your younger child bc you didn’t feel like getting up again, then high five, bc you are winning the shit out of this parenting thing
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 9
Remember that at any given point, no matter what you’ve posted, at least 30% of the people that follow you are going to be judging you and rolling their eyes anyways, so you might as well just own that shit and post whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 9
I significantly improved my Netflix watching experience by creating a profile for not only “Me” but also “Drunk Me” and I just think that’s really beautiful
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