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MacgyveringMom
MOTHERHOOD: The scariest HOOD we'll ever go through. Coffee, Swearing & ✞ Needed, WINE DESERVED🍷🍷
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MacgyveringMom Feb 15
Welcome to parenthood: From here on out, your kitchen floors will cease to be clean unless you use some kind of scraping device.
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MacgyveringMom Feb 14
Plot twist: If you pretend Christian Grey is just a broke dude from the trailer park Fifty Shades becomes an episode of Criminal Minds.
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MacgyveringMom Feb 13
If you’re looking for a friend to send you a text and then fall flat ass off the face of the planet and not respond to the text that you immediately send right back, then I can be that friend.
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MacgyveringMom Feb 12
1st baby: “Can he have this?” As long as is it’s organic. Hmm, let me check the sugar content. Is it gluten free? 3rd + baby: “Can he have this?” He can have anything except narcotics or alcohol
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Valerie Feb 12
My friend posted a pic of her kids all dressed up for School Spirit Week and I spit coffee onto my leggings with the hole in the crotch and yelled OH SHIT IT'S SCHOOL SPIRIT WEEK
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Lauren Mullen Feb 7
It's impossible to explain parenthood because most people without kids can't understand how someone could break everything you own, including your spirit, and you can still want to be around them.
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Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 Feb 7
My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility
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Josh Feb 6
me *choking on a piece of popcorn* wife *turns the TV up*
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MyMomologue Feb 6
Hang on, I have to go help my toddler. He's got a headache on his leg.
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MacgyveringMom Feb 5
How I make grocery lists for my husband after he’s pissed me off: Juice Pears sliced cheese & cheese sticks Blue cheese crumbles (for my salads) Coffee Frozen broccoli Bars for the kids A better personality, for you Butt plugs, for you sliced turkey Wine
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MacgyveringMom Feb 5
Replying to @pregnantchicken
Thank you for sharing!
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Pregnant Chicken Feb 5
Some things are an easy compromise. voa
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Mamasdoody Feb 4
If a $5 bottle of wine can make me feel better, my problems must not be THAT bad. 😏
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MacgyveringMom Feb 4
If your kid doesn’t hear you until the 97th time you’ve asked him to stop putting his butt places they don’t belong, are you even a mother?
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MacgyveringMom Feb 4
[reading a book about words that begin with “W” to my 2yo twins] Me:[only 2 pages in] “And then, Little W found some wacky weasels climbing up a white wall, who wondered where..” Twin A: *grabs the book and launches it across the room where it hits the wall* Twin B: “AAYY-MEN”
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Julie Burton Feb 4
It’s Super Bowl Sunday! GO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!
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Ughhhlexa Feb 2
When I’m out in public and realize I’m walking the wrong direction, I won’t turn around like some idiot. I'll stop and look at my phone until the block fills with new people who don’t know the story of what I was doing, then I’ll turn around.
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Life🇺🇸UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ Jan 24
There is no one more generous than a toddler with a soggy cracker.
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MyQuestionableLife Feb 4
In a perfect world the Super Bowl just means there are never ending bowls of guacamole and queso.
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MyQuestionableLife Feb 4
Welcome to parenthood. Sleeping in on the weekends is now something you used to do.
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