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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷
MOTHERHOOD: The scariest HOOD we'll ever go through. ☕️, Swearing & Faith needed, WINE DESERVED 🤘🏻🍷
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 21h
Some of y’all never tweezed away all your eyebrows bc Seventeen magazine told you it was cool, only now to not be able to leave the damn house without drawing those fuckers on bc they never grew back and it shows.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 17
Clubbing then: Throws on tank, jeans & heels, straightens hair, goes out at 11, dances on bars, enjoys the company of strangers til 5 Now: Throws on pjs at 6, kids to bed at 8, cranks music, enjoys the company of my damn self while I clean the kitchen and throw back some wine
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 16
My twins just told me that they’re too busy being tired to be able to pick up their toys and I’ve never heard a more accurate response to how I’d like to answer 90% of the shit my family asks of me.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 15
YouTube Kids: Because listening to other children being loud, hyper and irritating so that yours are temporarily not being loud, hyper and irritating just feels right.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 15
Whoever would’ve thought that simple things like leaving the the house, talking on the phone and sleeping at night could become this difficult? - A Parenting Memoir
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 13
If you are pre-kid status, prepare your spouse for parenthood by hiding all of their spoons, hugging them when they pee and blowing an air horn in their face every time they try to talk to someone other than you. Keep a screaming goat in the corner.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 12
What doesn’t kill us as moms makes us caffeinated, anxiety ridden, wine enthusiasts who cuss a lot and crave solitude like a motherfucker.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 11
If you’re looking for someone to start responding to one of your messages, get sidetracked, completely forget about that shit and then jovially respond 3.5 weeks later, I’m your girl
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 11
Fun Fact: Taking the kids for the day without being asked so that your wife can have a break is the leading cause of blowjobs in marriage.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 10
Do people who go to bed early every night not know about staying up late af and dragging ass the entire next day?
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 10
Just asked my kids what names they’d like for their own children to have some day and the verdicts were “Scissor, Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen, Skunko, Dragon and Lady Fart”, in case you were wondering how much fucking weirder the next generation’s names will be.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 7
Bringing her flowers and telling her you love her without being asked will get you a smile. Putting away the laundry and taking the kids for the day without being asked, so she can rest will get you all kinds of ass.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 7
Welcome to parenthood: You can’t find the remote again and there are 7 butter knives under the couch.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 7
Just heard one of my twins whisper-scream “SON OF A BITS!” when he stubbed his toe on the coffee table, and then heard the other one dryly declare “OH SNAP” without even looking up from his coloring sheet. I don’t know whether to laugh, high five them or shed a happy tear.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 4
My kids have 4 modes: 1. Happy and loud 2. Fighting and loud 3. Pissed off and loud 4. Asleep and adorable
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 3
If you see me staring at you and your screaming child in public, it’s not because I’m judging you. It’s because I’m relieved AF that I’m not the only one who has to go shopping with an unstable, demon lord.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 3
Does standing at the kitchen counter, mindlessly cramming chips and salsa into your mouth while scrolling IG and listening to your kids dabble in homicide in the next room count as self care? Asking for myself.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Aug 2
Thanks for including me!💞
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Jul 30
Shoutout to everyone who let the pool count as a bath for your child for the 5th day in a row. Y’all are my people.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Jul 30
Gift idea: Buy a parrot and teach it to shout “SHUT THE DAMN DOOR” every time it opens, and then give it to someone with kids. You’ll save them 1.7 million headaches and they’ll love you forever.
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