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MacgyveringMom
MOTHERHOOD: The scariest HOOD we'll ever go through. Coffee, Swearing & ✞ Needed, WINE DESERVED🍷🍷
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MacgyveringMom 3h
If you think that sitting around in your pajamas while drinking wine and watching HGTV is somehow more fun than going out on the town, then you’re absolutely right and I congratulate you on your badassery.
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MacgyveringMom 13h
One fun thing about having twin toddlers is that you get to be woken up to the words “EAT TIME!!!” being screamed directly into each eardrum at alternating frequencies.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 19
FUN NEW GAME TO TRY: To the next person who says “Wow, YOU’VE got your hands full” respond with “OMG, YOU KNOW THE CODE!! Thank you so much, I should be done in an hour” and hand over all your rebellious children while you continue to shop in peace.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 18
*still doesn’t understand “the cloud”, but happily hands over children*
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MacgyveringMom Apr 18
Me: Go get dressed buddy, it’s almost time to leave! My child: Okay, mommy! Narrator: But you see, it wasn’t “okay”, for the child actually had no intention of getting ready until his mother finally lost her shit and resembled some type of demented, psychopath.”
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MacgyveringMom Apr 17
[approaching the entrance of the pre-school where a little girl stands] Me: Open the door for her buddy, remember always let girls go first. 5yo: Yes, I like to be good to girls when I’m a vampire and when I’m just a regular human. Me: 5: Me: Ok fair enough
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Mommy Cusses Apr 17
Me: Do you know the muffin man? Other mom: Omg, you're so funny. Me: [Climbing over table] Do. You. KNOW - - How to get out of volunteering at your kid's school functions ever again.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 16
Husband just fixed the toilet, and my 5yo couldn’t remember the word “plumber” so he called him a “toilet master” and let’s be honest, broken toilet or not, that’s the perfect nickname for him.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 13
Me: I’m tired, night-night Body: Me too, night Eyes: Yesssss, night-night Brain: ......... Right, but why does Goofy stand on two legs while Pluto remains on all fours when they’re both dogs? Remember that time that you used “their” incorrectly on the internet? GOOD TIMES, GENIUS
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MacgyveringMom retweeted
mo 7 Nov 15
Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Friend: That's OK. I don't mind M: The mess tho F: Don't be silly M: I don't want u in my house
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MacgyveringMom retweeted
Deeks Apr 10
[first day as an adult] Fuck this
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Scary Mommy Apr 12
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Ramblin Mama Apr 12
4: Mommy, where do babies come from? Me: Mostly alcohol and poor choices. 4: What? Me: What?
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The Dad Apr 13
The floorboard of my car could be used as Exhibit A in a trial regarding whether or not I’ve ever littered
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The Dad Apr 13
2008: Twitter will be a great tool for brands looking to connect with consumers! 2018: Oh nice, the Duracell account just called the Energizer bunny a shithead
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MacgyveringMom Apr 13
Just found a matching pair of socks when I opened the dryer, like some type of Queen.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 13
Thanks for including me!💕
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A Bearer Of Dad News Apr 12
Welcome to parenthood. Bathroom privacy is now a privilege, not a right.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 12
The sound of my children laughing and playing nicely together is by far the best 4 minutes of my day.
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MacgyveringMom Apr 12
“STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER IN THE BUTT WITH THAT BURRITO!!” and other weird shit I say now that I’m a parent.
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