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Lilah Sturges
Bruce: my costume is complete and now I shall fight crime! Criminal: what... what are you dressed as? Bruce: A bat, obviously Criminal: really? because you don't actually look much like a bat, so Bruce: *sigh* what if I put a picture of a bat on my chest Criminal: that would help
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Clark: I'm SUPERMAN Luthor: That's what you CALL yourself? Pretty conceited, eh Clark: no, other people called me that and I just went with it Luthor: there's literally an S on your shirt Clark: it's a symbol of hope from my planet; total coincidence Luthor: k
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Barry: stop right there! Criminal: oh no it's electric man! Barry: no, I'm THE FLASH Criminal: so your shoot lightning Barry: no I run really fast Criminal: but your costume has a lightning bolt Barry: I'm fast like a FLASH of lightning Criminal: don't electrocute me
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Hal: it is I, GREEN LANTERN! Criminal: what are you, part lantern? Hal: no, I get my power from a battery that looks like a lantern Criminal: flashlights get their power from batteries that look like barrels but we don't call flashlights "barrels" Green Lantern: ITS SYNECDOCHE
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Criminal: oh no it's the flash! Jefferson: no, I'm BLACK LIGHTNING Criminal: but you have lightning on your costume like the flash does Jefferson: I get that but I'm BLACK LIGHTNING Criminal: are you faster than the flash? Jefferson: no! Jefferson (whispers): fucking barry
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Diana: I'm WONDER WOMAN! Criminal: why are you wearing hot pants to fight crime? Diana: it's just my costume Criminal: you know it's 2019 right? Hot pants haven't been a thing since like the 70s. Diana: *hangs head* I know Criminal: why not just wear regular pants? Diana: I TRIED
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Arthur: Stop, pirates! I am AQUAMAN! Pirate:-- Arthur: and yes I talk to fish but it's a lot more awesome and powerful than it sounds Pirate: we didn't say anything Pirate 2: yeah that actually sounds pretty cool, like you could order piranhas to eat someone Arthur: you may go
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Zatanna: Behold the magic of ZATANNA! Criminal: why are you called Zatanna Zatanna: it's just my name. My name is Zatanna Zatarra. Criminal: lol so wait if your name was Karen you'd burst in and say "behold the magic of... Karen"? Zatanna: tuhs pu
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Ted: Look out it's BLUE BEETLE! Criminal: oh are you named after Absolus verrucosis, aka "the death-feigning beetle"? Ted: look don't read a lot into it Criminal: or perhaps Chrysolina cereulans, also known as the "blue mint beetle"? Ted: Criminal: entomologists can do crimes too
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Criminal: oh shit eagle-man Carter: um no I'm HAWKMAN Criminal: oh sorry I thought you were an eagle person, my bad Carter: Well, I'm HAWKMAN, so Criminal: If you were an eagle you could call yourself AQUILINE Carter: Criminal: It means "eagle-like" Carter: fuck that's better
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Ray: I'm THE ATOM! Criminal: wow how do you shrink like that Ray: it's complicated but it uses white dwarf star matter Criminal: doesn't a teaspoon of dwarf star matter weigh like 15 tons Ray: it's science don't worry about it Criminal: you don't know how it works do you Ray: no
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Kara: Here comes POWER GIRL! Criminal: oh NICE costume Criminal 2: don't slut shame! You don't know why her costume has a cleavage window Criminal: Criminal 2: maybe it expresses something profound about identity Criminal: gosh sorry Kara: actually I get underboob sweats real bad
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Victor: I am CYBORG Criminal: right, b/c you're part man, part machine Victor: yes, It's v tragic Criminal: wow I bet, sorry Victor: I'm actually kind of sensitive about it tbh Criminal: wait did you not pick "Cyborg"? Victor: I wanted to be "Awesome Man." Criminal: fuck dude
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
J'onn: Beware the MARTIAN MANHUNTER! Criminal: finally! a gay superhero! J'onn: what do you mean Criminal: dude you're wearing a speedo and a harness. That's EXTREMELY gay J'onn: this is just how people on Mars dress Criminal: oh J'onn: but yes we are all gay
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Selina: mreow I'm CATWOMAN Criminal: oh wow yes hence the costume Selina: oh lol no I'm called Catwoman because I can be distant and withhold my affection. My ex calls me that as an insult Criminal: ok so why the suit then? Selina: it's slimming Criminal:... Selina: latex fetish
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Criminal: oh no it's the flash! Billy: I'm SHAZAM! Criminal: but you have a lightning bolt on your chest just like-- Billy: when I say the name of the wizard Shazam there's a lightning bolt and I get powers Criminal: wait you're Shazam or the wizard is? Billy: there was a lawsuit
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Criminal: it's Robin Hood! Oliver: no I'm GREEN ARROW Criminal: but you're dressed exactly like Robin Hood? Oliver: I can't go around calling myself Robin Hood--Disney will sue Criminal: not if you don't look like their version they won't Criminal: I'm also a copyright lawyer
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Dinah: I'm BLACK CANARY! Criminal: you're not Black though? Dinah: oh wow no, I'm not saying I'M Black--the CANARY is Black. Criminal: but aren't you the canary in this scenario? Dinah: ok listen, imagine a canary that HAPPENS to be Black Criminal: ngl this feels very racist
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Michael: enter MR. TERRIFIC! Criminal: seriously Michael: I'm the third-smartest person on Earth, after Batman and Janelle MonĂ¡e Criminal: if you're so smart why do you have such a dumb name Michael: I'm CONFIDENT, ok Criminal: you have a T on your face Michael: yeah i see it now
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Lilah Sturges Mar 24
Replying to @lilah_sturges
Dick: Stop thieves! I am ROBIN! Criminal: lol so are we Criminal 2: get it? cause we're ROBBIN this bank? Dick: Criminals: Dick: I'm NIGHTWING
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