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Elsa Ascencio Aug 14
The Family Law section of the bar has taught me the following: 1) never fall in love 2) avoid humans 3) pets will never betray you and your matrimonial home
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Neil Before Zod™ 22h
I have had a mouse that has been rampaging through my kitchen at night. I have named the mouse, Ezra Mousant. I have devised a plan to help shuffle loose its mortal coil. Diagram below. Lets just say it involves miniature sharks that eat mice.
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Wendy's Aug 17
Replying to @TWIZZLERS
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Jeremy Poxon Aug 16
puttin this one in the hall of fame
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TREBUCHET CRIMINAL Aug 18
Arson is legal at McDonald’s
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Michael A. Sherlock Aug 17
Don't be a cunt.
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Gary Aug 16
Turn on your heated seat to thaw out your uncrustable on your morning commute.
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Emma Tattenbaum-Fine Aug 16
Sometimes when I’m having trouble motivating myself in the morning, I pretend to be an emotionless robot who brushes teeth and wears pants; all with automated alacrity. I think this is an incredible that puts my actor training to best use. Feel free to steal.
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Miss Chanandler Bong Aug 17
Needed to go for a poop this morning but I'm saving it so I can get some time away from the desk.
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tori sandate 5h
We clean our apartment faster when we have donuts for breakfast.
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Yiddish Translator Aug 14
Yiddish add -ke to anyone's name to make life just that bit much more fun
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Rev Rell Aug 18
Talking with a 5 yr old, she says ‘this is my bubble helmet’ and waves her hands over her beautiful tight coils. ‘So no one can touch my hair but me’.
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m Aug 15
If you too poor for a diamond grill use these snap emojis
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Pablo Hidalgo's Account 22h
Wearing maternity pants to the spaghetti place.
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Becky Aug 15
LIFE HACK: if you cry while cutting onions, lean into it, you can have a full blown existential crisis!
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✨ 𝒮𝓊𝓏 ✨ Aug 17
When your marg is too strong at patron just put a sweetener in it
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Kanake'aina Aug 14
My favorite : getting paid up to 2 days early with a bank account. Use my link and we’ll both get $50 when you enroll and set up direct deposit!
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Holly Jameson Illustration & Animation Aug 17
: Lie about your grades, degrees and achievements. Nobody ever checks. No, but seriously. I don't think the time and punishment put into my A levels was worth it Especially for an art career. So here's a picture of me and my Master of Art Degree.
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𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓸𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽 Aug 18
: If you don't have a sleeping bag for your slumber party, use a body bag instead.
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Isabella Probert Aug 16
I guess my new favorite thing is giving my two weeks at a job, bc no one can really yell at you since you’re no longer employed, or like if they do your quitting anyways so u can just can walk out. 👽
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