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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
DM: so moses the pharaoh is still refusing to let your people go since you botched that persuasion check, a- MOSES: i cast insect plague DM: are you sure? we haven't fully explored all the opt- MOSES: (leans in very close) I. Cast. Insect Plague.
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
JESUS: is there a fig tree DM: i don't know, sure, why not there's a fig tree JESUS: I take some fruit. DM: (rolls dice) the tree has no fruit on it JESUS: I curse the fig tree DM: look can we just get back to the quest
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
CAIN: ok so is abel distracted DM: yes. why. CAIN: can I roll stealth
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
JESUS: so let me check, the money lenders are just SAT here in the temple DM: yes JESUS: I call a lightning strike DM: you used all your spell slots raising that random guy from the dead JESUS: fine i attack with my bare hands
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
DM: Elisha the children are mocking your bald head on the way up the mountain ELISHA: ok I cast conjure woodland beings, I want bears to eat them DM: ELISHA NO ELISHA: ELISHA YES [this is a real bible story, check out 2 Kings 2:23-24]
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
DM: ok pharaoh has decreed that all the baby boys are to be slain, and they are closing in, what do you do with your baby moses JOCHEBED: i put it in a basket DM: what JOCHEBED: I PUT THE BABY IN A BASKET AND THROW IT IN THE NILE DM: um roll athletics
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈
DM: so you've come all this way, what did you actually bring the baby MAGI 1: here's all our gold? MAGI 2: I put some incense aside MAGI 3: (rummages in pack) fuck (rummages) i have some embalming fluid DM: ok roll to persuade the mother these are appropriate gifts for a baby
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
DM: the lion approaches, it looks angry DANIEL: i'm keeping it. I hug the lion DM: it's a lion, it will eat you why are you doing this DANIEL: I HUG MY NEW BEST FRIEND THE LION
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
DM: so how do you plan to go about building this temple SOLOMON: I cast summon demon DM: this *cannot* be allowed (checks book) DM: DM: ok you have a demon and I guess it helps buil- SOLOMON: I cast it again
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
NOAH: I cast druidcraft to check the weather tomorrow DM: NOAH: why are you making that face
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
I will see you all after my excommunication
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Oliver Darkshire 🌈 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
EDIT: I have been suitably chastised for not knowing that Jesus was proficient in whips. here is an updated joke. you pedants. JESUS: so those moneylenders you mentioned DM: yes. it was really just a casual reference for flavou- JESUS:
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Alex Clippinger Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
Magi 3 is the necromancer and they were lied to about this trip
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The Willyboo!❁ Apr 23
Casting death ward on an infant for when they grow up and get murdered by the state is a pretty clutch Necromancy move
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Synxiec of Conjurer Nen 🌻 Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
MAGI 1: "Can I roll a History check instead?"
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Lila "In Search of the Denominator" Ralston Apr 23
Replying to @deathbybadger
NPC shepherd 1: I give the baby a handful of cherries. NPC shepherd 2: I give the baby a bird. NPC shepherd 3: I give the baby a tennis ball.
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sweet ros and hella guil Sep 17
I didn't know I needed a Second Shepherds' Play reference today, but apparently I really did.
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