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Benjamin Apple
contributor, / writer, writer/performer, formerly of Late night w/Jimmy Fallon.
3,767
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Tweets
Benjamin Apple Sep 13
“... OR I could just go watch Terminator 2.” - me making any decision about anything
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Benjamin Apple Jun 28
Instead of regular jet engines this airplane has two big red fireworks tied onto the wings with rope. A guy is trying to light the fuses with one of those long barbecue lighters
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Benjamin Apple retweeted
Chris Kelly Jun 21
Every single day I think about what I'll do, where I'll go, and the clothes I'll wear the MOMENT Trump is finally out of office. Every. Single. Day. Every. Single. Day.
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Benjamin Apple Jun 17
Menu on this flight is for tobacco products instead of regular food. Thinking about the cigarette salad
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Benjamin Apple Jun 17
Flight attendants just announced that you have to pay extra NOT to eat a whole ham on this flight. Hope I have enough cash
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Benjamin Apple Jun 6
Replying to @nguersh
The composition book I carry with me to keep track is still crisp and blank.
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Benjamin Apple Jun 6
Replying to @nguersh
Is this on Java st in Greenpoint?
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Benjamin Apple May 10
Wait, sooo, Thanos's whole master plan was just to reset Earth's population to what it was when my dad was in high school? If you're really all about the population control how bout you use those ring pops to make it rain free birth control, my dude?
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Benjamin Apple May 10
Hey guys, PLEASE don't watch this video I made unless you've already seen Infinity War! ... And also Return Of The Jedi, Back To The Future, Spider-Man 3, The Sandlot, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, Stand By Me ...
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Benjamin Apple May 4
Replying to @bransonreese
true or fictional this is one of the funniest things I've ever heard
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Benjamin Apple May 1
"how tf is Tom Hanks gonna get himself out of this one?" - me watching LITERALLY any Mission Impossible movie.
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Benjamin Apple Apr 30
In Castaway, why didn't Tom Cruise just hang himself from one of the many pineapple trees he was eating from? that cliff wasn't his only option but the narrator acts like it was
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Benjamin Apple Apr 30
I heard the new Mission Impossible doesn't have any stunts in it, can anyone confirm?
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Benjamin Apple Apr 28
I’ve always felt it’s important to have a personal ministry - something you do to give back to the community. Mine is that I allow the people who sell handmade jewelry at outdoor markets to explain to me where their organic copper comes from or whatever.
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Benjamin Apple Apr 26
Motorola's Razr states that, all other things being equal, the dude who owns the fewest cell phones is probably telling the truth.
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Benjamin Apple Apr 25
Replying to @totallymorgan
link.
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Benjamin Apple Apr 7
Replying to @vannesexpress
This looks like an incredible Victorian still life!
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Benjamin Apple Apr 4
I hate how now Trump is the subtext of everything.
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Benjamin Apple Mar 16
I can’t believe 1998 was 40 years ago.
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Benjamin Apple Feb 8
Totally. I am all the time thinking to myself, "Our brains didn't evolve for this, our brains didn't evolve for any of this."
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