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Dave Yates
Comedian. Writer. Actor. Enjoys an array of cheeses and fancy mustard. Ha Ha Hot Sauce creator. 5 years sober.
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Dave Yates 9h
Watched a street person diggin in his ass last night lookin for rocks he had stashed. I just hope he didn't forget he already smoked them.
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Dave Yates 9h
Replying to @ShannaChristmas
There were chortles
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Dave Yates 9h
Replying to @ShannaChristmas
Hahah it wasn't a bomb.
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Dave Yates Nov 18
Used to hold dime bags, now I carry tea bags.
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Dave Yates retweeted
Juicy Froosh Nov 18
in tomato soup is the best solution to winter. CC:
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Dave Yates Nov 18
I can watch all the Netflix comic book shows and not get butt hurt they fucked up my heros because I'm not a nerd.
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Dave Yates Nov 18
Replying to @heartofwinston
Hell yeah!
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Dave Yates Nov 17
The karaoke in LA is much better but also a lot sadder.
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Dave Yates Nov 17
When I was an employee at Motel 6, I would "leave the light on for you" only because they refused to tell me where the switch was.
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Dave Yates Nov 17
Cost of doctors visit and meds are so high, got me looking at amoxicillin for fish like "How much of this do I need to take as a human?!"
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Dave Yates Nov 15
November is a real tough month for dudes who can't grow mustaches but try anyway.
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Dave Yates retweeted
James Hodge Nov 14
A lotta comics went from, "I wanna be the next Louis CK" to "Oh, God! What if I'm the next Louis CK!?"
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Dave Yates Nov 13
Ever see a girl you've dated post a picture of her new baby and think "Pheww, I dodged that bullet." ?
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Dave Yates Nov 11
Replying to @rod4short
Fitness !
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Dave Yates Nov 11
Growing up, my buddy and I would watch his mom's workout VHS, Buns Of Steel. Sometimes, we worked out so hard, the white-pee would come out.
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Dave Yates Nov 10
Try mine! I've been selling it as merch after my shows for some time now
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Dave Yates Nov 8
The DMV gives you a ticket with a number to wait like the shittiest deli ever.
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Dave Yates Nov 7
Dude from "My Pillow" commercials definitely rubs his balls on all the pillows. All.of.them.
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Dave Yates Nov 5
At the peak of my alcoholism, I was never as big of a piece of shit as the people who go through the "20 Items Or Less" line with 50 items.
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Dave Yates Nov 5
Replying to @rod4short
That Grant Hill sure is good.
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