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God
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God 5h
People used to be afraid the world would end at any moment. Now they're afraid it won't.
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God Jun 16
Freedom of speech includes the freedom to say that someone else is using his freedom of speech to be stupid.
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God Jun 16
As My own son, I bought Myself a necktie for Father's Day. And as My own father, I insincerely thanked Myself and walked away disappointed yet again.
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God Jun 14
Happy birthday to President Trump, who is a fucking piece of shit.
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God retweeted
God Mar 13
Facebook and Instagram are down. You will have to live your life for its own sake now.
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God Jun 13
IN TRUMP’S ROLODEX * Prince of Whales * Dolly Llama * Prime Minister True Dough * Emmanuel Macaroni * Angela Marble * Benjamin Not-on-Yahoo * King Salmon * The Poop
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God Jun 12
Never be afraid of failure. After all, everyone’s expecting you to fail anyway, what with you being such a loser.
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God Jun 12
Just because the person on the other side of the argument is completely wrong doesn't mean you aren't also completely wrong.
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God Jun 11
"Hello God". Please. Don't try to make all kissy-kissy with Me now, Twitter. It's too late. You messed with the wrong Near Eastern Bronze Age sky-father-king projection. By the time I'm done with you, MYSPACE will laugh at your relevance.
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God Jun 11
If gay people are a mistake, they're a mistake I've made hundreds of millions of times, which proves I'm incompetent and shouldn't be relied upon for anything.
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God Jun 11
What the fuck, Twitter. Seriously. What the fuck. What the fuck is this.
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God Jun 10
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean. So give him a salad, maybe.
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God Jun 8
You are a fucking disgrace. “You” as in you as a species. You, personally, you’re alright.
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God Jun 7
The moon is not a part of Mars, but they both have as much intelligent life as the White House.
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God Jun 7
The first step in saving life on earth is admitting you are the problem.
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God Jun 5
Hate is a lifestyle choice.
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God Jun 4
At long last, the audiobook of the play of the book of the twitter account is here. Starring the incomparable Sean Hayes as Me. Listen, all of thee, to the Word of God.
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God Jun 3
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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God Jun 3
You would actually be doing something about climate change if deep down you didn’t think you deserved to go extinct.
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