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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Jan 3
I said to the doctor “Can you give me something for my liver?” He gave me a pound of onions.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 3
Last night, I dreamt I was eating a 10lb marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 17
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’
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Tommy Cooper Dec 17
My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’
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Tommy Cooper Dec 7
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 7
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 30
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 29
I once worked in a paper factory. My responsibilities were twofold.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 29
Counterfeiters. I just don’t know how they make money.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 28
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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Tommy Cooper Nov 28
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 20
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?
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Tommy Cooper Nov 20
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 9
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 9
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes, please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
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Tommy Cooper Oct 15
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
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Tommy Cooper Oct 15
I went to see an obese psychic. He was a four chin teller.
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Tommy Cooper Sep 13
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, that's the last thing I need.
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Tommy Cooper Sep 13
I told the doctor I felt invisible. He told me he couldn't see me right now.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 24
I went to the fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, "Your future looks pretty black". I said, "I still have my gloves on".
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