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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper May 22
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?
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Tommy Cooper May 22
I tried to swim the channel once. But I used too much grease. I kept slipping out of the water.
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Tommy Cooper May 10
A policeman knocked on my door last week and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.
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Tommy Cooper May 10
I just found out that I’m colour blind. The news came completely out of the green.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 27
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 27
I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 17
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’
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Tommy Cooper Apr 13
I always take my wife her morning tea in my pyjamas. But she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 13
I’d like to start with a chimney joke. I’ve got a stack of them.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 26
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question? I do.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 26
I recently got crushed by a pile of books. I've only got my shelf to blame.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 7
Before I go on any long journeys, I always put some salt and pepper on my head. I'm a well-seasoned traveller.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 7
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 7
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 5
The police officer stopped me and said: “Why are you driving with a bucket of water on the passenger’s seat?” I said: “So that I can dip my headlights.”
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Tommy Cooper Feb 5
I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 3
I said to the doctor “Can you give me something for my liver?” He gave me a pound of onions.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 3
Last night, I dreamt I was eating a 10lb marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 17
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’
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Tommy Cooper Dec 17
My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’
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