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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Nov 9
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 9
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes, please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
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Tommy Cooper Oct 15
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
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Tommy Cooper Oct 15
I went to see an obese psychic. He was a four chin teller.
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Tommy Cooper Sep 13
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, that's the last thing I need.
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Tommy Cooper Sep 13
I told the doctor I felt invisible. He told me he couldn't see me right now.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 24
I went to the fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, "Your future looks pretty black". I said, "I still have my gloves on".
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Tommy Cooper Aug 24
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 14
Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 14
I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Tommy Cooper Jun 10
Got a new car the other day, pushed the horn and it went 'woof woof'. It was a Rover.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 10
I thought I would begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare. But then I thought, why should I? He never reads anything of mine.
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Tommy Cooper May 27
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
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Tommy Cooper May 27
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Tommy Cooper May 18
I went to my doctor and said, "I feel like a pair of curtains". He said to me, "Pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper May 18
I tried to fight fire with fire, and then I remembered that firemen usually use water.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 30
I just bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I didn't understand a word they were saying.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 30
Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.
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