Twitter | Search | |
Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
549
Tweets
0
Following
79,530
Followers
Tweets
Tommy Cooper Jan 22
I tried to fight fire with fire, and then I remembered that firemen usually use water.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 22
Broken pencils...they're pointless, aren't they?
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 20
My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 20
My wife does really good bird imitations. She watches me like hawk.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 17
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 17
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 17
I said to the waiter, “How long will my spaghetti be?” He said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 5
My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn't fit into the bottle.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 5
There have been times that I have known despair. I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 24
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 24
I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself.’
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 24
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 24
I told the doctor, "With all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep'' He said, "Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off".
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 24
Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 17
I just bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I didn't understand a word they were saying.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 17
When I was in the army, once the sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 15
Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 15
I was so drunk, I took the bus home. Never driven a bus before.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 11
I said to the grocer "I want five pounds of potatoes please". And he says, "We only sell kilos". So I bought five pounds of kilos instead.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Dec 11
Got a new car the other day, pushed the horn and it went 'woof woof'. It was a Rover.
Reply Retweet Like