Twitter | Search | |
Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
605
Tweets
0
Following
81,490
Followers
Tweets
Tommy Cooper 5h
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper 5h
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper May 18
I went to my doctor and said, "I feel like a pair of curtains". He said to me, "Pull yourself together".
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper May 18
I tried to fight fire with fire, and then I remembered that firemen usually use water.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Apr 30
I just bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I didn't understand a word they were saying.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Apr 30
Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 28
My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn't fit into the bottle.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 28
I once had a job as a ladder salesman. That job really had its ups and downs.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 21
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a thin piece of paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 21
I met the man who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 9
I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains" The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together".
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 1
My brother is so tight-fisted, he’s got varicose veins in his knuckles.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 1
I painted my wife in oils. She looks like a sardine.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Mar 1
I'd break into song but I can't find the key.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Feb 1
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Feb 1
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 25
I’ll tell you what often gets overlooked — garden fences.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 25
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 16
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Reply Retweet Like
Tommy Cooper Jan 16
I went to the doctors the other day and said, 'have you got anything for wind?'. He gave me a kite.
Reply Retweet Like