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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Sep 6
I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.
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Tommy Cooper Sep 6
I went to the doctors. He said, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' I said, 'Why?' He said, 'I don't like my neighbours'
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Tommy Cooper Sep 6
I had a meal out last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 22
There's no end to my talent – and no beginning either.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 16
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 16
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus, isn't it?
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Tommy Cooper Jul 25
I told my mum I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'
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Tommy Cooper Jul 14
I got caught stealing a calendar. I got 12 months.
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Tommy Cooper Jul 14
I know sign language. I've found it pretty handy.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 29
I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 29
I was going to tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 15
I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 15
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 7
My wife keeps tells me I'm a skeptic. I don't believe a word she says.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 7
I once thought about working in a mirror factory. I could really see myself in that job.
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Tommy Cooper May 30
I just read the worst page in the entire dictionary. It was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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Tommy Cooper May 30
My neighbour holds the world record in concussions. He's been concussed over 50 times. He lives only a stones throw away.
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Tommy Cooper May 26
I went to the doctors with a jelly and custard stuck in my ears. He asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' so I said, 'I'm a trifle deaf.'
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Tommy Cooper May 26
I went to learn sign language. It's very handy.
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Tommy Cooper May 6
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close.' He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.'
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