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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Sep 13
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, that's the last thing I need.
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Tommy Cooper Sep 13
I told the doctor I felt invisible. He told me he couldn't see me right now.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 24
I went to the fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, "Your future looks pretty black". I said, "I still have my gloves on".
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Tommy Cooper Aug 24
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 14
Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 14
I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Tommy Cooper Jun 10
Got a new car the other day, pushed the horn and it went 'woof woof'. It was a Rover.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 10
I thought I would begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare. But then I thought, why should I? He never reads anything of mine.
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Tommy Cooper May 27
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
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Tommy Cooper May 27
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Tommy Cooper May 18
I went to my doctor and said, "I feel like a pair of curtains". He said to me, "Pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper May 18
I tried to fight fire with fire, and then I remembered that firemen usually use water.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 30
I just bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I didn't understand a word they were saying.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 30
Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 28
My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn't fit into the bottle.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 28
I once had a job as a ladder salesman. That job really had its ups and downs.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 21
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a thin piece of paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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Tommy Cooper Mar 21
I met the man who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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