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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Feb 6
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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Tommy Cooper Feb 6
The back of my anorak leaps up and down and people chuck money at me. It's my livelihood.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 29
I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains" The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper Jan 29
You know, I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?
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Tommy Cooper Jan 13
My dying uncle said to me ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ I said, ‘What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’
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Tommy Cooper Jan 13
I once went for a job as a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
One day my father took me aside. He left me there.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 18
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 18
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”
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Tommy Cooper Dec 9
My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn't fit into the bottle.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 9
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 1
There have been times that I have known despair. I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 1
When I was in the army, once the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”
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Tommy Cooper Nov 14
I once was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 8
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 8
I hate it when people stand on things to make them look taller. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 3
I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself.'
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Tommy Cooper Oct 30
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close.' He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.'
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Tommy Cooper Oct 30
I went to the doctors with a jelly and custard stuck in my ears. He asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' so I said, 'I'm a trifle deaf.'
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