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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Jun 15
I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 15
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 7
My wife keeps tells me I'm a skeptic. I don't believe a word she says.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 7
I once thought about working in a mirror factory. I could really see myself in that job.
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Tommy Cooper May 30
I just read the worst page in the entire dictionary. It was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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Tommy Cooper May 30
My neighbour holds the world record in concussions. He's been concussed over 50 times. He lives only a stones throw away.
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Tommy Cooper May 26
I went to the doctors with a jelly and custard stuck in my ears. He asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' so I said, 'I'm a trifle deaf.'
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Tommy Cooper May 26
I went to learn sign language. It's very handy.
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Tommy Cooper May 6
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close.' He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.'
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Tommy Cooper Apr 27
The police station toilet was stolen. They have nothing to go on.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 27
One day my father took me aside and left me there.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 18
I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 18
I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 13
I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 13
I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 31
One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 30
I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself.’
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Tommy Cooper Mar 23
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
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Tommy Cooper Mar 23
Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 16
I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.
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