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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Feb 1
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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Tommy Cooper Feb 1
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 25
I’ll tell you what often gets overlooked — garden fences.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 25
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 16
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 16
I went to the doctors the other day and said, 'have you got anything for wind?'. He gave me a kite.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
I was going to tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
Did you hear about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 24
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 24
I said to the doctor "with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep'' he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed you'll soon drop off'
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Tommy Cooper Dec 12
I wanted to work in a bank, but I lost interest.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 12
My wife always misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 8
Pavlov. That name really rings a bell.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 8
I had a dream last night I was making pancakes while driving along a twisty road. Tossing and turning.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 2
This man said, "you remind me of a pepper-pot". I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
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Tommy Cooper Dec 2
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 22
My butcher accidentally backed into the meatgrinder. He got a little behind in his work.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 22
Did you hear about the thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement? He became a hardened criminal.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 18
I watched a documentary on how to build ships the other day. It was riveting.
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Tommy Cooper Nov 18
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books.
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