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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Tommy Cooper Jun 10
Got a new car the other day, pushed the horn and it went 'woof woof'. It was a Rover.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 10
I thought I would begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare. But then I thought, why should I? He never reads anything of mine.
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Tommy Cooper May 27
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
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Tommy Cooper May 27
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Tommy Cooper May 18
I went to my doctor and said, "I feel like a pair of curtains". He said to me, "Pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper May 18
I tried to fight fire with fire, and then I remembered that firemen usually use water.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 30
I just bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I didn't understand a word they were saying.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 30
Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 28
My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn't fit into the bottle.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 28
I once had a job as a ladder salesman. That job really had its ups and downs.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 21
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a thin piece of paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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Tommy Cooper Mar 21
I met the man who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 9
I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains" The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper Mar 1
My brother is so tight-fisted, he’s got varicose veins in his knuckles.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 1
I painted my wife in oils. She looks like a sardine.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 1
I'd break into song but I can't find the key.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 1
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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Tommy Cooper Feb 1
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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