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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper May 6
I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 24
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 24
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 8
I made an egg smile last night. I told him a yolk.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 8
I always thought that love may be blind ....but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 8
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 25
My wife said to me, laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 25
When I was born the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations you've just given birth to an eight pound ham".
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Tommy Cooper Mar 18
Where do generals keep their armies? Up their sleevies.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 18
I went to my doctor. He said 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' I said 'Why?' He said, 'I don't like my neighbours'.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 6
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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Tommy Cooper Feb 6
The back of my anorak leaps up and down and people chuck money at me. It's my livelihood.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 29
I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains" The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper Jan 29
You know, I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?
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Tommy Cooper Jan 13
My dying uncle said to me ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ I said, ‘What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’
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Tommy Cooper Jan 13
I once went for a job as a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
One day my father took me aside. He left me there.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 18
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 18
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”
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