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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Jul 6
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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Tommy Cooper Jul 6
I said to my wife, 'Look at this dear.' I always call her dear. She's got antlers growing out of the side of her head.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that if I sneeze I’ll cure someone.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'OK, where is he then?'
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Tommy Cooper Jun 22
I just did a speed reading course. Read War and Peace. It was about Russia.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 22
I hurt my back today. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 3
I had a dream last night I was making pancakes while driving along a twisty road. Tossing and turning.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 3
There's no end to my talent – and no beginning either.
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Tommy Cooper May 6
I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 24
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 24
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 8
I made an egg smile last night. I told him a yolk.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 8
I always thought that love may be blind ....but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 8
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 25
My wife said to me, laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 25
When I was born the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations you've just given birth to an eight pound ham".
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Tommy Cooper Mar 18
Where do generals keep their armies? Up their sleevies.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 18
I went to my doctor. He said 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' I said 'Why?' He said, 'I don't like my neighbours'.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 6
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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Tommy Cooper Feb 6
The back of my anorak leaps up and down and people chuck money at me. It's my livelihood.
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