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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Mar 21
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a thin piece of paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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Tommy Cooper Mar 21
I met the man who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 9
I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains" The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together".
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Tommy Cooper Mar 1
My brother is so tight-fisted, he’s got varicose veins in his knuckles.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 1
I painted my wife in oils. She looks like a sardine.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 1
I'd break into song but I can't find the key.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 1
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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Tommy Cooper Feb 1
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 25
I’ll tell you what often gets overlooked — garden fences.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 25
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 16
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 16
I went to the doctors the other day and said, 'have you got anything for wind?'. He gave me a kite.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
I was going to tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
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Tommy Cooper Jan 6
Did you hear about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 24
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 24
I said to the doctor "with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep'' he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed you'll soon drop off'
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Tommy Cooper Dec 12
I wanted to work in a bank, but I lost interest.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 12
My wife always misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 8
Pavlov. That name really rings a bell.
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Tommy Cooper Dec 8
I had a dream last night I was making pancakes while driving along a twisty road. Tossing and turning.
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