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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper 13h
I went to the doctors with a jelly and custard stuck in my ears. He asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' so I said, 'I'm a trifle deaf.'
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Tommy Cooper 13h
I went to learn sign language. It's very handy.
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Tommy Cooper May 6
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close.' He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.'
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Tommy Cooper Apr 27
The police station toilet was stolen. They have nothing to go on.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 27
One day my father took me aside and left me there.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 18
I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 18
I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 13
I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 13
I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 31
One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 30
I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself.’
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Tommy Cooper Mar 23
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
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Tommy Cooper Mar 23
Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 16
I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 16
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We've only got one chair.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 5
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
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Tommy Cooper Mar 5
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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Tommy Cooper Feb 16
I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but she's not grateful. She says she'd rather have it in a cup.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 16
I tried to swim the channel once. But I used too much grease. I kept slipping out of the water.
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Tommy Cooper Feb 16
What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool.
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