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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper 5d
On the other hand....I've got four fingers and a thumb.
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Tommy Cooper 30 Mar
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
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Tommy Cooper 30 Mar
Every day my wife takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: "Guess who I ran into?"
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Tommy Cooper 22 Mar
Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.
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Tommy Cooper 22 Mar
I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl.
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Tommy Cooper 14 Mar
I went to the butchers. I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "The steaks are too high."
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Tommy Cooper 10 Mar
I hate it when people stand on things to make them look taller. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
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Tommy Cooper 10 Mar
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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Tommy Cooper 06 Mar
I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. I never slept alone until I got married.
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Tommy Cooper 26 Feb
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
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Tommy Cooper 26 Feb
It may not look like it, but I'm actually very handsome.
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Tommy Cooper 21 Feb
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
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Tommy Cooper 20 Feb
I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.
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Tommy Cooper 20 Feb
When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’
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Tommy Cooper 19 Feb
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.
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Tommy Cooper 13 Feb
My dying uncle said to me ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ I said, ‘What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’
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Tommy Cooper 13 Feb
I always borrow money from a pessimist. He doesn't expect it back.
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Tommy Cooper 15 Jan
I needed to lose a bit of weight so I went to the paint store. I heard you can get thinner there.
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Tommy Cooper 15 Jan
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
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Tommy Cooper 13 Jan
I went into the bank today. I said: ‘Could you check my balance?’ They pushed me over.
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