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Tommy Cooper
Just like that!
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Tommy Cooper Aug 27
My nephew was caught stealing a calendar. He got 12 months.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 27
My niece once had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 25
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Tommy Cooper Aug 25
Broken pencils. They're pointless, aren't they?
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Tommy Cooper Aug 7
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 7
I had a fight with my wife last night. She asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 6
I went to learn sign language. It's very handy.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 6
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He’s only got his shelf to blame.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 5
I got a job in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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Tommy Cooper Aug 5
This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.
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Tommy Cooper Jul 6
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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Tommy Cooper Jul 6
I said to my wife, 'Look at this dear.' I always call her dear. She's got antlers growing out of the side of her head.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that if I sneeze I’ll cure someone.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 26
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'OK, where is he then?'
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Tommy Cooper Jun 22
I just did a speed reading course. Read War and Peace. It was about Russia.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 22
I hurt my back today. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 3
I had a dream last night I was making pancakes while driving along a twisty road. Tossing and turning.
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Tommy Cooper Jun 3
There's no end to my talent – and no beginning either.
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Tommy Cooper May 6
I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.
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Tommy Cooper Apr 24
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
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