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clean slate
Earth scientist. Oh you're still here. Top tweets: . I’m also . K bye.
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the drake gatsby 🏴‍☠️ 3h
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy. Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power. Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“ Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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Buffaluffagus 🙈 2h
I’m not great at singing but I am great at making an ass of myself. Now that more than 10k of you are watching me I think it’s a great time to do both. Ultimate tweet read time and I’m reading my own bitches. I’m sorry. For this. [gestures everywhere]
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clean slate 2h
Replying to @MissSassy_Pants
Iconic
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llama in a tux 5h
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple [later] my bully brad: you're stupid me: where is your place of worship
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Cathal Cleary 3h
Reminds me of my favorite movie, Killiam William. (Not my joke...and I actually hate that movie)
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Taming Fred Savage 3h
moon: 🌝 moth: 🤗 moon: 🌖 moth: 😃 moon: 🌗 moth: 🤨 moon: 🌘 moth: 😳 moon: 🌚 moth: NOOOOOOO 😱 moon: 🌒 moth: OH, thank god😅
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clean slate 3h
Marty
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The Rural Juror 4h
It took me a moment, but boy did I laugh when I got it:
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clean slate 3h
Replying to @grogg
Hahahaha Nice
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Mom Jeans 3h
[getting a tattoo] ME: ouch! so bandage and apply ointment? HUSBAND: it’s- it’s temporary
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🦅🥞frybread power🥞🦅 4h
This is every joke I try to make high
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Jeff is Tall 4h
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AdamCerious 4h
Me: What are you kids doing? Son: Playing house. I'm the best dad ever Me: *turning my coffee mug towards him* This birthday present says you're a lying little shit, Ethan
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Calm Dramas 5h
This has taken me all day, but I'm glad I stuck with it. Genius.
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randy 6h
me: i gave a homeless guy some money this morning coworker: what if he used it to buy drugs me: listen to me [grabbing his collar] listen real fucken close [whispering in his ear] if he did that would be dope as hell
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Mary Kate 5h
this is absolute genius
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*sigh*clops 13h
Peanut Butter CEO: it's taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy Me: umm CEO: call it crunchy Me: oh ok then we charge less CEO: hahaha no
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will 10h
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Mom Jeans Sep 20
ME: what do you want to be for Halloween? SON: adopted ME: cool we won’t need a costume then
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jo diggity Sep 20
kids: *buckling seat belts* will grandpa have a surprise for us me, dressed in all black: one
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