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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots
You know how, in your foreign language classes, you would always flip through the dictionary to find the rude words? This is going to be kinda like that but for biology. You requested it, here it is. My name is Nome, and I'm here today to talk to you about weird animal fucking.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Just going to be talking about mechanics, not kink, so we won't be going over how much Giraffes and Porcupines are into watersports (SO much), or how some Squid have an entirely separate male sex that slides between a copulating pair to fuck under the radar. Different thread.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Though, for real, that WILL be a thread, because, come on - The "mock female" squid pretends, on the side of its body facing the male, to be female, and gets (ineffectually) mated with, while displaying male traits to her? That's one way to steal your girl, just sayin.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Let's start with the obvious one: Ducks. For ducks, the battle of the sexes is an arms race, and it's terrifying. A lot of you already know that some ducks have horrifying corkscrewing rocket penises, I'm sure. (Pictured: Anatomically Correct)
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Did you know that, the more males there are in the group, the bigger it gets? And it has spikes? And it's rocket-propelled to force it down a twisting labyrinthe of dead-in passageways in a vagina WHICH CORKSCREWS THE OTHER DIRECTION? No wonder Donald doesn't wear pants.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
"How... how big?" About half its body length, come down to it. "Wait, I... aren't ducks birds? Don't birds have cloacas? Cloaca? Cloacum? Huh, I've never had to pluralize Cloaca before." Yeah, me either, voice in my head! And you're right - ducks are one of the rare ones!
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Most birds copulate with something called a cloacal kiss, which... Hmm. What's the best way to describe this. Imaginge you've got two roast beef sandwiches, and one has mayonnaise, and you're trying to rub them together to get mayo on both. Then go take a shower, or something.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
But Ducks are in this arms race, right? So Males, I shit you not, grow a penis every mating season. Like Deer antlers. And because it's not useful the rest of the time, at the end of mating season, it'll wither and fall off. Like. Like Deer antlers.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
And the best part - this is an absolute nightmare for me, by the way, as an ADHD dude with no love for schedules - is that they have to time it right. You see... they're in charge of when they grow a penis. Also, how big it is when they do. And it's got a shelf life.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
You grow it too soon, it might wither and fall off before you have a chance to use it, and BAM, no mating season for you. Too late, and you won't be up to snuff when you find a female. I say "Find," instead of "Court," because... there's... not much consent.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Like, to the degree to which an animal can consent, duck ladies very much /do not/, and the workaround to that doesn't much bear repeating in polite conversation. Ducks, y'all.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
In the interest of science, I'll now show you what they're working with. This is a Muskovy duck, and it's been slowed down TO ONE/TENTH SPEED so you can actually see it happening.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
I'm sharing this article, mainly for the picture they used as the header, because goddamn.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Now that was rough for the female, so lemme turn the tables a bit. I want you to imagine that you are a human ovary-haver, and you were just going about your day, doing chores. All the while, a human testes-haver was tracking you by your scent. And was Lego Minifig size.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
When he finally found you, he would open his mouth as wide as possible, and latch himself onto your belly, slowly fusing his flesh with yours. A voluntary tiny human centipede. He'd then start to wither, leaving mostly just a scrotum and some blood vessels.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Then, you'd just -go about your fucking life-. You might accumulate eight, ten of these little fuckers, just hanging on. Like a lump. Just... there. Waiting. Congratulations, you're an Anglerfish.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
The males are 1/60th the size of the females - for a ~5' tall woman, a ~1" tall lego man is almost perfectly to scale. And what blows my mind is, even after all of this... They're still fucking fish. Copulation is external. She releases her eggs, then triggers their release.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Like, you'd figure for this body horror bullshit to make sense, she'd be gaining some kind of internal process, or something, but NOPE. THE DUDES ARE JUST PARASITES. JUST... JUST HANG OUT. COULD OTHERWISE JUST BE LIKE ANY OTHER FISH.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
We found this out the hard way, too, because the deep sea is fucking mysterious and terrifying. We couldn't find out why ALL OF THE ANGLERFISH WE COULD FIND WERE FEMALE. And the answer is, because male anglerfish are in the running for smallest vertebrate. Female, and male:
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Pictured: Romance.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Staying in the deep sea, let's talk about... huh, now that I think about it, almost exactly the opposite. Here is the Argonaut, or Paper Nautillus. Cute, right? As much as anything in the deep sea is cute. That's its mouth and butthole, mid-frame. (Photo: Fred Bavendam)
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
See, the Argonaut still has a size disparity - the female is about 8x the size of the male, and 600x the weight - but the male still has shit to do. No time to wait! So instead of a penis, it has a hectocotylus. Which is a fancy word, For dismembered cock arm. 📸Reggie Casia
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Here it is, in all its glory. The male will fill an arm with sperm, present it to the female, and then BREAK IT OFF OF THEIR BODY while it goes on to LODGE ITSELF IN A HOLE IN HER FUCKING HEAD. The first time we found it, WE THOUGHT IT WAS A PARASITIC WORM AND GAVE IT A NAME.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
its muscles still work it does its thing on its own my heart is full of very tiny screaming
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Lemme veer off of this into a surprisingly full category: Klingon Animals. Which is to say, animals with two (or more) dicks. (Watch discovery it's canon god I love star trek).
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Let me just say the fact that a star trek page just retweeted that post is fucking golden.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Y'all may already know that snakes like to get freaky en masse. As anyone who's done group sex involving dudes will tell you, the refractory period is a major time sink you've got to plan around. Snakes account for this by having, I shit you not, alternating penises.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Dude's got a Hemi under the hood. May I present: the Hemipenis. I shit you not, I learned this in my Reptile/Amphibians Study Merit Badge in Scouting, and I was like 12 years old, and I think that's responsible for a lot in my psyche. Oh also it has spikes. 📸Tess Thornton
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Meanwhile, Sharks do a similar game, but for NO FUCKING REASON. The male has two "Claspers" (circled). The claspers are extensions of the pelvic fins. They just Have two. And only use one at a time while mating. And just leave the other flopping around.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
It really does look like it's just one of those things that evolution does weird. There's not much of a purpose for it, it's just there.
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Heir to the Throne of the Kingdom of Idiots Jul 25
Replying to @NomeDaBarbarian
Anyway, then you've got Echidnas. They're cute! Like long-nosed hedgehogs! I mean sure, they're monotremes like Platypi, which means they're made from the spare parts bin of biology, but how weird could it be?
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