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lauren caltagirone
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
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lauren caltagirone Nov 11
If you have TWO pennies, you can wish for world peace AND to be thin. Or to be thin and married. Dealer’s choice!
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lauren caltagirone Nov 10
Sure, my little sister just got engaged & my best friend had a baby, but the avocado I bought last week is finally ripe so things are pretty good here too!
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lauren caltagirone Sep 15
I feel like things would go better for me if I stopped eating dessert
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lauren caltagirone Jul 11
If you had the time, would you make a sweater or scarf out of your cat's fur? I'd make a scarf. Still single.
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lauren caltagirone Jan 2
Every channel stupid parade. If I had a boyfriend, he wouldn't want to watch the parade. He'd hate parades.
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lauren caltagirone 30 Nov 16
I wonder if supermodels ever wish they were sitcom writers
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lauren caltagirone 12 Nov 16
Hope comes in all shapes and sizes, often taking on the form of a cat, or a Twix.
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lauren caltagirone 11 Nov 16
I'm so glad wine has zero calories and guys are super into girls with cats.
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lauren caltagirone 6 Nov 16
I want to be the prettiest bride... or ugliest... any type of bride will do.
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lauren caltagirone 3 Nov 16
I mostly want to get pregnant to justify the maternity clothes I've been wearing the past 5 years.
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lauren caltagirone 31 Oct 16
Sometimes I wonder, if I were chopped into bits, would my cats eat me? Other times I'm like oh yay wine!
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lauren caltagirone 18 Oct 16
New kitten walked over the keyboard and sent my ex a bunch of jibber jabber *^*COLLEEN*^+IS_#!*A*_CRAZY SLUT COME HOME TO ME I MAKE YOU SOUP
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lauren caltagirone 14 Oct 16
It's my birthday but you can't put a candle in a bowl of wine
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lauren caltagirone 9 Oct 16
In honor of tonight's debate, I grabbed another pussy. Say hi to my new daughter Calliope!
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lauren caltagirone 23 Sep 16
Can't teach an old dog new tricks, especially if that dog is bipolar, and is your Mom.
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lauren caltagirone 18 Sep 16
One way to make your boyfriend notice you is to take his dog on a walk & never come back.
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lauren caltagirone 13 Sep 16
Google history: "Healthy creme brûlée recipe," "how to lose weight without giving up alcohol," "why hasn't he called?"
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lauren caltagirone 12 Sep 16
I'm ovulating in case anybody wanted to come over and hold hands
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lauren caltagirone 12 Sep 16
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But then spit it out because lemonade has a lot of calories & you still want to get married.
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lauren caltagirone 10 Sep 16
If you're happily married, just remember: we're all going to die!
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