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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷
MOTHERHOOD: The scariest HOOD we'll ever go through. ☕️, Swearing & Faith needed, WINE DESERVED 🤘🏻🍷
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 20
The seventh circle of hell, but it’s just me standing in an 80 minute line with all my kids, during the witching hour to ride a 60 second ride about about a dog
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 19
Sorry I didn’t respond to your message.. I opened it, started responding, felt uncomfortable, tapped out, and then chose to mindlessly browse through other apps instead, please accept this anonymous apology & know that I’ll get back to you in 3 to 7 business days or never
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 17
Mood: Finally landed up in this bitch & ready to rage do Disney tomorrow but am too excited to go to sleep to wake up early enough to effectively do Disney, pls send help why tf am I even a parent
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 17
I don’t know a lot of things, but I do know it’s a universal law that when you get stuck behind an idiot driver, it’s a requirement to look at their face when you pass them to see if they look as sketch as they drive
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 15
Dear husband & children, loves of my life: You are the reason I wake up every morning, and the reason I need a drink every night
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 14
“Enough with the butt stuff” is something I just said at 9:30pm on Valentines Day, and sadly, in no way did it have anything to do with me & my husband, but just that all our kids are still awake and being weird AF as per usual
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
Replying to @MomTo2Swimmers
Wish I had one rn 😩😩😩
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
I just saw a fucking mouse in my house. So.. like.. do I set it on fire now, or evacuate or...?? My husband is out of town & there’s NO way I’m smashing it. All I can think about is Jaq from Cinderella being like “how dare you disrespect Gus-gus like that WTF”
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
Me, singing to the twins while driving: 🎶 The F says fffuh, the F says fffuh 🎶 every letter makes a sound the F says...?!? Simultaneously from the backseat: “FFFFFUCKITT!?!!” Fuck.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 13
What I said: STOP DOING THAT What I meant: Ugh, fine. I have neither the energy, nor the determination to enforce this shit all day long, so just be less annoying about it & don’t break anything
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 12
Shout out to “the chair,” the laundry basket and the floor for being the only closet I use 98% of the time. My closet is essentially the place where the clothes I never wear go to die, with the exception of the shit that I wear to weddings and funerals
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 12
I just googled “how to get rid of an eye twitch” and it straight up says the two best things I can do are to 1. reduce my caffeine intake, and 2. get more sleep LOL. FML
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 11
Does anyone else feel braindead? Like, actually fucking braindead to the point of ridiculousness at the end of every single day? I assumed by now we’d be nearing the sweet spot of parenthood & it’d feel a bit easier, but I’m starting to realize that this day might never come
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 11
If I compliment you on a specific & unfancy part of your outfit, and you don’t respond with something like “Thanks, Target, only $29!!” I immediately question your allegiance to the sisterhood
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 11
Them: Increase your discipline. Learn to control your kids. Us: Increase your emotional intelligence. Learn to control your misinformed, insensitive asses.
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 10
Give a kid a fish and they’ll eat for a day, but teach a kid how to get their own breakfast & use the IPad and you won’t have to be up at the asscrack of dawn anymore
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 8
Motherhood: Because not sleeping and perpetually looking 4 months pregnant is baller AF
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 8
Friend: So what’s parenthood really like? Me: Hmm, it’s kinda like being at the fair F: Oh nice! Me: Lots of ups and downs with plenty of shit and screaming F: ... M: Smells like fried things, urine & booze F: M: Someone around every corner trying to take your money
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 8
[faling back asleep at 3am] Brain: Remember that embarrassing shit u said at the grocery store today? Me: Ugh I’m so tired, stahhp B: M: Brain: u ever realize that if there’s life on other planets WE are the aliens? M: ...? Brain: 🎶”Taaaake onnnn meeee” M: FFS whyy!!
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☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 Feb 7
I'm not a magician, but I can turn one load of laundry into a 7 day job, so..
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