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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü
Oh boy! One of my FAVORITE topics! I will now rate Polearms. Please, do stick around. First, they are one of the delightful examples of humans figuring out all over the planet that one of the best ways to kill/deter someone is with a big thing at the end of a long stick. YAY!
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
You can find a lot about how to use at least medieval polearms in Paulus Hector Mair's treatise, and Joachim Meyer has a section in his texts devoted to quarterstaff, which is compatible with many. Anyone looking to learn pole weapons would benefit from staff training.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Now, in terms of basic goddamn pole-weapons. first, the SPEAR, AKA the weapon literally everyone everywhere has used in some form or another, since humans discovered that a pointy stick was a good way to kill things while staying safe. This is a Boar Spear. It's got sexy lugs.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Those lugs are the thing that makes it one of my favs, because they're supposed to stop a thing getting towards you from getting closer. Specifically boars. Catching a charging boar on that thing, stopping it dead in its tracks, and killing it is metal AF. Can also slash. HAWT.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
NEXT UP: the Glaive. Also used basically everywhere in some form or another, because after the spear, a big ol' blade on a stick is a time-honored method for "fucking die and also stay the hell away from me." It slices. It dices. I do not want to be in the way of one w/out plate.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Shit I was supposed to rate these, wasn't I? Fuck it. I can do what I want, and all polearms are beautiful in the eyes of God. Don't body-shame the stick-weapons, for they are magical. Anyway, so far we have seen that blade-on stick is a time-honored winner. Also, intuitive.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
One of the first things you grok the second you hold a spear is "Oh, I poke people with this." They were a great mass-production weapon because fighting with one is pretty basic, and they're less complicated than close combat weapons. Stab. Remove. Step forward. Repeat. RESULTS.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Okay so you go further and the makeshift farm-tools start showing up. Exhibit A: the BILLHOOK. Here we see something that can hack and stab, a formula that gets repeated over time. Originally intended for clearing brush, it also turns out they can clear humans. Like brush.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
See those prongs? They are a message. That message is "FUCK YOUR MAIL." They're like knives jutting out of the bigger knife. Extra fuck-yous that teach the rich that they must RESPEC THE COMMON MAN. Do not fuck with the Billhook. Do not fuck with weapons named Bill. Bill is hate.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Okay, so, over time a lot of these weapons become more and more specialized. Up next we have the PIKE. You get a forest of people clustered together moving in coordinated patterns and you have a tried and true method of--oh wait shit that's a fish. Hold on.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Okay, here we go, so anyway the Pike is basically a super-spear made of "TOGETHER WE SAY FUCK Y'ALL." You could drive people around, you could stab them at a very long distance, and you could set them against a charge because fuck your horses and your face and your father's face.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Okay so also as plate armor starts to become a thing, people learn that slashy slashy isn't so effective against a solid wall of steel, and weapons start to evolve. So from later we have the Bec de Corbin. Hammer for crush chest. Spike for pierce chest. Spearpoint of OW OW OW.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Polehammers are just lovely. They go CRUSH. They also show up in some of Liechtenauer's armored fighting (harnisfechten) sections. This + the Halbard were the knight's later primary weapons with swords being mostly sidearms.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
And this brings us to my ABSOLUTE FAV and the ultimate in knight-killing technology before the gun and the pike forest and the bunch of peasants with knives and the--you know what nevermind, LOOK AT THIS HALBARD. LOOK AT IT. ALSO CALLED POLEAXE.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
The Halbard has a hammer for crushing, it has an axe for chopping, it has a longass shiv for getting through eyeslits or armpits and making your lungs into jelly. I've used one of these and just holding one makes you want to fucking riot. fuck your armor. Also your car&horse.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Bottom line, Halbard's are SEXY and they're gonna STEAL YOUR GIRL and ALSO YOUR GUY, and that ANDROGYNOUS NONBINARY BEAUTY YOU LONGED AFTER THAT TIME. And when you cry they will look at you with compassionate positivity and give you the blessing of an early death.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
BONUS ROUND: The KANABŌ. How can you not love a weapon whose name literally means METAL STICK. There is something so viscerally appealing about a GIANT BASEBALL BAT WITH STUDS. Your horses don't have legs. Your face doesn't have legs. Your chest? ALSO NO LEGS.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
And finally, the MAN-CATCHER. This one is actually one of the few polearms designed not to kill. A giant fork that can capture a man and put him on the ground or maneuver him where you want. The japanese used a version of this to maneuver inebriated samurai into the drunk tank.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
Bottom line? Polearms are awesome. You should definitely study them. And you should long after them and appreciate them as I do. Because they are beautiful. Because every culture in the world has learned to love them. Polearms unite the world like love, sex, porn and drugs. END.
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Joseph Cranbrassey­čŹü Aug 22
Replying to @JosephBrassey
OH MAN I LOVE THE GODENDAG, HOW COULD I FORGET? Yes, lovely peasant weapon made for KNIGHT-KILLING. And seriously what is not to love about a weapon whose name translates to "GOOD MORNING. The Beatles wrote a song about these things. PROVE I LIE.
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