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The Jorvik Times
"All the News that's Fit to Illuminate and Painstakingly Copy"
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The Jorvik Times Apr 19
“People don’t realize the Kentish War has not ended.” - upon learning historical fact already known to most. ‘People don’t realize’ or, rather, ‘I had no clue this was a thing, someone just told me about it 5 seconds ago.’
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The Jorvik Times Apr 11
Seen & heard in the Great Hall yesterday: “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome reeve?!” - on Müller team’s recent parchment seizure from cyng’s personal advocate.
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The Jorvik Times Apr 6
Replying to @JorvikTimes
Editorial Board: We immediately regret this decision 😔
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The Jorvik Times Apr 6
If you don’t You don’t love us deserve us at our at our
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The Jorvik Times Apr 6
Editorial Board: On a humbling, if bewildering, note, Times readership reached & surpassed 6000 folc this week. We had no idea that many of you were literate! You have our deepest respect & sincerest gratitude. 🙏
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The Jorvik Times Apr 4
Indeed. Just look how well it worked out for Rome. Oh, wait...
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The Jorvik Times Apr 4
In stunning move, proposes sending Fyrd to Wessex border to guard against migrant crossings. Completely unrelated: Guthrum jubilant, mobilizes for early Spring campaign season.
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The Jorvik Times Apr 1
"Gestah he on gealgan heanne, modig on manigra gesyhðe, þa he wolde mancyn lysan." Taking it easy for the rest of us. Happy Eostre from The Jorvik Times.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 26
Cædmon - New elegy for : Life is bare Twisty monks are everywhere Stormy weather Can’t get my self together I'm weary all the time Can't go on All my huscarls are gone Stormy weather Since my courtesan broke her tether Keeps rainin' all the time
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The Jorvik Times Mar 26
A shock to all, stays mum as courtesan breaks silence & goes public about stormy extramarital affair she had with him 12 years ago, mere weeks after birth of his youngest son. Is it restraint or fear keeping him quiet?
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The Jorvik Times Mar 22
Asser: Yet another thegn quits the Witan of . I haven’t heard of this many rats jumping ship since Ohthere of Hålogaland dropped anchor at Hamwic. Hard to blame them. The man reeked of salt herring and lies. Donæld, not Ohthere.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 18
After launching salvo of inflammatory twæts at Müller probe this morning, has been hastily herded to nearest hlincs by huscarls.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 17
The Latin rubs off when you spend so much time in the scriptorium 😉
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The Jorvik Times Mar 17
For today’s Feast of St. Padraig, we give thanks to his kinsman, recently ousted Deputy Reeve McCabe, for taking copious notes on his dealings with and turning them over to Special Counsel Müller on his way out.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 14
Replying to @blostmena
You should’ve seen his slovenly wastrel father, Dadbod.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 13
Breaking: Cyng ousts Chief Envoy Tillersohn, claims “I never liked him anyway,” will replace him with Eorl Michael of Pompeii, which has no metaphorical bearing on this story whatsoever.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 13
Thegns sworn to absolve their ring-giver of Dane collusion following “thorough” inquiry. (Same folc who spent 4 years, 7 separate inquiries & untold thousands in taxgeld to investigate Æthelflæd’s letters. Must be a literacy problem.)
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The Jorvik Times Mar 12
If this is such a non-story, , why lash out and turn it into more of a story? 🤔 Also, multiple sources in your leaky Great (so great?) Hall confirmed. 🤷‍♂️
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The Jorvik Times Mar 8
Breaking: N. Kentish chieftain Kimmo Jongmundr and agree to meet for talks before sumer is icumen in, likely to talk circles round and round each other.
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The Jorvik Times Mar 7
Welsh top wic advisor to , Gareth Cohn, quits amid spat over cyng’s proposed tax on Frankish ore imports. Franks plan retaliatory measures against Mercian ale exports.
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