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The Jorvik Times
"All the News that's Fit to Illuminate and Painstakingly Copy"
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The Jorvik Times Jun 4
In morning rant, asserts “absolute right” to pardon himself of any wrongdoing, ever. He may not know much, but at least he understands absolutism.
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The Jorvik Times May 27
New Poll: Majority of Mercians embarrassed to have as king, also believe him to be an unintelligent, reckless, misogynistic prat. May explain the staffing problems...
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The Jorvik Times May 24
Bede: But you were SO close to getting that peace prize! 😂🤪 I’d also like a refund for that prematurely struck commemorative cyngmoot brooch I ordered.
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The Jorvik Times May 22
‘10 Danish Life Hacks to De-Clutter Your Abbey. You’ll Lose Your Head over Number 1!’
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The Jorvik Times May 22
UPDATE: says having personal carrier pigeons routinely checked for bugs or other foreign tampering is “too inconvenient,” sources report. Because the measure of any good security & counter-espionage policy is its personal convenience.
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The Jorvik Times May 22
Report: Experts fear uses unsecured carrier pigeons for personal communications, leaving back door open to Dane, Rus tampering. Said one, “We should just assume his pigeons are already compromised.”
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The Jorvik Times May 21
Hild: Some sisterly advice - dragging village idiot Cat Hopkins through the mud by disparaging her looks/age is not helpful. It’s also lazy. Her “ideas” & bewildered ramblings are low-hanging fruit enough.
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The Jorvik Times May 20
By age 35, you should have mastered Latin, Greek & Frankish; written at least 10 exegetical commentaries, 5 works of natural science, 3 hagiographies & 1 rhetoric textbook; composed enough verse to fill a room; and fought off the heathen with prayer, retirement experts say.
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The Jorvik Times May 20
Alcuin: ...and correct your brothers in Christ who have grown fat and lazy on donuts, which were surely sent to them by the heathen as temptation.
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The Jorvik Times May 18
A young survivor of today’s mass spearing was asked if she ever doubted the possibility of such an attack at her cloister. “No,” she replied, “It’s been happening everywhere. I’ve always felt it would eventually happen here, too.” A child said this. Verbatim.
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The Jorvik Times May 8
Breaking: Wics tied to wealthy Rus boyar identified as source of hushgeld paid to disgraced huscarl of for purpose of buying courtesan’s silence over extramarital affair. Did you follow all that? We’re starting to have trouble...
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The Jorvik Times May 4
New Poll: Majority of supporters more worried about “loss of status” than increasing structural inequality at the hands of the ruling class. Because, you know, those swarms of swarthy Gaels & Britons are coming for their jobs.
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The Jorvik Times May 3
Replying to @donaeldunready
And we’re only 16 months in...
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The Jorvik Times May 3
Confirmed: reimbursed huscarl £130k hushgeld paid to courtesan (which he “didn’t know about”) for guarantee of silence on extramarital affair (which he “didn’t have”). We are shocked...🙄
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The Jorvik Times Apr 19
“People don’t realize the Kentish War has not ended.” - upon learning historical fact already known to most. ‘People don’t realize’ or, rather, ‘I had no clue this was a thing, someone just told me about it 5 seconds ago.’
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The Jorvik Times Apr 11
Seen & heard in the Great Hall yesterday: “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome reeve?!” - on Müller team’s recent parchment seizure from cyng’s personal advocate.
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The Jorvik Times Apr 6
Replying to @JorvikTimes
Editorial Board: We immediately regret this decision 😔
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The Jorvik Times Apr 6
If you don’t You don’t love us deserve us at our at our
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The Jorvik Times Apr 6
Editorial Board: On a humbling, if bewildering, note, Times readership reached & surpassed 6000 folc this week. We had no idea that many of you were literate! You have our deepest respect & sincerest gratitude. 🙏
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The Jorvik Times Apr 4
Indeed. Just look how well it worked out for Rome. Oh, wait...
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