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John Swartzwelder
Comedy writer (Simpsons, SNL), home run hitter (Safeco Field, Cheney Stadium), novelist (all your favorites), and shameless book promoter.
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John Swartzwelder 23h
From 1975 Writer: John Swartzwelder Director: Joe Sedelmaier (Wish I could remember the actor's name. Terrific job) Agency: Van Brunt & Co. Chicago Pretty good.
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John Swartzwelder Jun 16
"Is this the future of life on Earth? A bunch of smelly brains in jars?" "What do you mean smelly?" "If you were a giant nose instead of a giant brain you'd know what I meant." "Perhaps." (from "Earth Vs. Everybody")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 22
We didn't know we were up against a race of supermen. We didn't want to fight anybody like that. Batman, maybe, he's human, we might be able to beat him. Or Little Lulu, I'll fight her myself, right now. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 22
"I was a lonely child..." I waved a hand impatiently. "Skip all that drivel. I was a lonely child myself. Lonelier than you. Get on with your story." He frowned at me. Nobody likes to skip the drivel. Sometimes the drivel is the best part. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 22
I heard somebody say it had been written by chimps, but I don't know if they meant that literally or if they were just trying to insult the writers who were standing there looking, now that you mentioned it, kind of like chimps. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 22
I kept lighting up like a neon sign, with the top of me flashing the words "Hamburgers 19 Cents" and my bottom saying "Adults Only". The doctors said I still had enough electric current in me to run the 18th Century. I asked them if they wanted to shake on that. They said not now
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John Swartzwelder Feb 19
"Big Brother Is Watching You Through The Window" (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 19
"I'm not crazy," I would tell them, writing this fact on my tongue and sticking it out at them so they could read the truth. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 19
I'm not an expert on comedy - at least that's what the experts on comedy tell me when I try to join them at their table for lunch. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 19
He'd say "I don't like 'get lost, asshole' here. I think it should be more like 'asshole, get lost' Or try it both ways. I want this to be the funniest asshole joke since Columbus" You've got to respect that kind of commitment to comedy. You've just got to (from Burly Go Home)
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John Swartzwelder Feb 8
I'd probably still be hiding, except one day I forgot to hide. "Hey, aren't you Frank Burly?" asked the waitress at the diner. "Oh, shit...uh...yeah. Shit, yeah, that's me, I guess," I said. I looked around for a place to hide. There wasn't one. "Shit." (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 8
She was obviously more than a little smitten with me--she had been batting her eyes and waving her legs at me all through dinner. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 8
"There's the Ministry of Smiles," he said, pointing. "which is the headquarters of the Thought Police. And next to it is the Ministry of Bear Hugs and Horselaughs." "What does that do?" "Gas rationing." (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 8
You're entitled to one phone call when they're operating on you. Did you know that? Most people don't know that. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 7
"Wait...what did I just do there?" "I think you just bought everything on the internet." "Damn it." (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 7
"I suppose you've guessed I'm a giant lobster," he said. "Well, yes, I'd gathered..." "A giant lobster from space." "The First Lobster In Space, or...?" He hesitated, then said: "The First Free Lobster." (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 7
They said they'd get back to me, but they never did. I think there should be a law against that. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Feb 7
Have you ever wondered why you've had that same stupid look on your face since 1984? Or why that voice in your head telling you to try harder, buster, doesn't sound like your voice? Sounds more like a cop's voice? There's a reason. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Jan 30
I guess you could say we got what was coming to us, if you were the kind of asshole who says things like that. (from "Burly Go Home")
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John Swartzwelder Jan 30
You can't just stand there looking stupid when someone is accusing you of being stupid. That just proves their point for them. You have to say something with your sparkling wit. So that's what I did here. "Screw you," I said, "With screws on it." (from "Burly Go Home")
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