Twitter | Search | |
John Swartzwelder
Comedy writer (Simpsons, SNL), home run hitter (Safeco Field, Cheney Stadium), novelist (all your favorites), and shameless book promoter.
766
Tweets
38
Following
5,886
Followers
Tweets
John Swartzwelder Oct 11
THE NEW FRANK BURLY NOVEL "BURLY GO HOME" IS ALSO AVAILABLE AS AN EBOOK. READ IT NOW. HURRY.
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder Oct 11
JUST PUBLISHED! A NEW FRANK BURLY NOVEL! "BURLY GO HOME"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 26
Both political opinions and all three movie ideas were thought of five seconds after the universe was created. - "Detective Made Easy"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 26
The West is where men are men. I like places where things are what they are. It makes sentences shorter. - "Double Wonderful"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 24
"What do you need a shovel for?" asked the guard. "I collect them." "May I see your collection?" "No." - How I Conquered Your Planet
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 23
"What shall we do with him?" "Let's return him home unharmed." "We weren't talking to you." - How I Conquered Your Planet
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 18
"I understand," I said. I didn't, of course. If I do understand I usually just say "bullshit" . - The Million Dollar Policeman
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 6
"I nominate Brad for President." "Be quiet, Brad." - The Fifty Foot Detective
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 5
That's the way my detective career has been going from Day 6 (I took the first five days of my career off). - "The Fifty Foot Detective"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Mar 2
I'm not the most observant of men, which is unfortunate, because I'm a private eye. - "The Time Machine Did It"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 28
One joke got a big laugh, so he excitedly told it again, louder. But this time the joke received NO LAUGHS AT ALL. - "Double Wonderful"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 27
The problem with reporters was - after you'd told them the truth they still wanted more. So you had to start lying. - "Double Wonderful"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 26
"I can't." "Can't? Or won't?" "Both, I guess." - Detective Made Easy
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 25
The rock was right behind me. I managed to avoid it by diving into a pit. A pit full of rocks! I screamed and screamed -"Exploding Detective
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 21
I got a letter from someone I'd never met saying I was an asshole. I guess he found my name on a list of assholes -"The Exploding Detective"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 17
"Turds for sale!" he shouted. "I've got turds!" - The Time Machine Did It
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 22
"Our atomic bombs are for peaceful purposes." "Such as?" "Uh...blowing up...wars." - How I Conquered Your Planet
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 11
Still, I was alive, and not many people could say that, thanks to me. - "The Exploding Detective"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 9
The whole thing was a mystery to me. But then, most things are. I guess it's lucky for me I'm a detective. - "The Time Machine Did It"
Reply Retweet Like
John Swartzwelder retweeted
John Swartzwelder Feb 9
He claimed to represent "The People", capitalizing it like that as if "The People" were something good. - "Double Wonderful"
Reply Retweet Like