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John Swartzwelder
Comedy writer (Simpsons, SNL), home run hitter (Safeco Field, Cheney Stadium), novelist (all your favorites), and shameless book promoter.
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John Swartzwelder Sep 30
At the risk of sounding commercial, which I am not - (I care about everything except money) - all of John Swartzwelder's books are available on Amazon (both in paperback and kindle formats). Buy them all. Buy them now. Save the planet.
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John Swartzwelder Sep 24
I'm not known for my cursing. I only curse to make a point Or to let off steam Or to kill time before church starts But I cursed now. I cursed a blue streak Of all the blankety blanks this was the blankiest, I said. Blank blank blank blank blank shit blank. ("Earth Vs Everybody)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 24
"Many of you won't be coming back" I began There was great alarm at this. What was this all about? Nobody mentioned not coming back before They thought we were all coming back Now they weren't sure they wanted to go. Not if they weren't coming back (How I Conquered Your Planet
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John Swartzwelder Sep 24
First of all, it's not true that I led the Martian attack on Earth. I was in Battle Cruiser Number Four. So let's get that straight. I don't know how these things get started. Secondly, I can explain. (the start of "How I Conquered Your Planet")
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John Swartzwelder Sep 24
Our keepers treated us as if we were brutal Neanderthals We finally managed to escape by being brutally Neanderthal and bashing their overdeveloped heads in, getting so excited while we were doing it that we screamed and jumped around like monkeys. I'm not proud of that. (TMDI)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 24
"Bullshit," I said The manager shook his head "It's not bullshit, I assure you sir. Far from bullshit" "Mr. Jorgenson doesn't bullshit customers unless he absolute has to. That's a credo he lives by" "Who's questioning Mr. Jorgenson's integrity?" (from The Time Machine Did It
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John Swartzwelder Sep 24
Frank Burly is my name. Okay, it's not my name. I lied about that... As my exciting story opens, I am being punched in he stomach. But I guess a lot of stories start that way. Most of mine do anyway. (from "The Time Machine Did It")
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
Everybody loves a good car chase. There's something in it for everyone: plenty of high speed action, lots of crashes and explosions, romance possibly, and property damage, And nobody ever seems to get seriously hurt "Are you okay?" "Of course I'm okay" (from Detective Made Easy)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
"The spores provide all. Our food, our clothing, the stand for that television set, everything. And when our lunch break is over they will return us to the work they have provided for us in the mines" "The spores make you work? "Nineteen hours a day (from Detective Made Easy)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
"Hey criminal mastermind." "Yes?" "Your car is being towed away." "Damn!" He looked down at the street. "So's yours." "I looked closer. "Shit." "Damn" "Shit" "Damn" "Shit" "Piss" "Ass" "Damn." (from The Fifty Foot Detective)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
"I've forgotten your name, if I ever knew it." "Is that all I mean to you?" "Apparently." She frowned. "I mean, that's what it's beginning to look like." She frowned more. "You must not be much of a wife." Boy, was that the wrong thing to say! (from How I Conquered Your Planet)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
"Let's pull the plug on him," I heard a voice say "It looks like he's coming out of it, " said an older calmer voice "Let's pull the plug on him. Let's pull the plug on everybody." "Take it easy, Bobby." "Doctor Bobby." (the start of "The Last Detective Alive")
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
i can't afford both a vacation and a bathing suit. It's one or the other. So that's why I was lying on my back on the beach in my street clothes. Sure it's a little uncomfortable, but a guy in my income bracket can't afford one of those fancy bathing suit vacations. (Earth Vs Ev)
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
Well, they found Amelia Earhart. That's the good news. Unfortunately, they found her in the trunk of my car. Boy, was my face red. I had a lot of explaining to do there. (opening paragraph of "Dead Men Scare Me Stupid"
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John Swartzwelder Sep 17
I suppose the first thing I should do is apologize for the billions of dead. And that I do Humbly And sincerely When a man has done something wrong I feel it's that man's duty to own up to it And I do. I'd apologize more fully but I'm falling off a cliff right now (Exploding Det)
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John Swartzwelder Jul 21
Autographed copies of all of John Swartzwelder's books are available on ebay (seller name: Kennydalebooks) at a bargain price. Don't ever forget that.
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John Swartzwelder Jul 3
Cat Commercial #3 Broadcast: 1976 Writer: John Swartzwelder Director: Bob Kurtz Announcer: Regis Cordic Agency: Van Brunt & Co, Chicago
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John Swartzwelder Jul 3
Cat commercial #2 Broadcast: 1975 Writer: John Swartzwelder Director: Bob Kurtz Announcer: Regis Cordic Agency: Van Brunt & Co, Chicago
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John Swartzwelder Jul 3
For those who haven't seen these very silly cat commercials from long ago. First broadcast: January 30, 1974 Writer: John Swartzwelder Director: Bob Kurtz Announcer: Regis Cordic Agency: Van Brunt & Co., Chicago
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John Swartzwelder Jun 16
From 1975 Writer: John Swartzwelder Director: Joe Sedelmaier (Wish I could remember the actor's name. Terrific job) Agency: Van Brunt & Co. Chicago Pretty good.
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