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Shannon Carpenter
Donut eater and at-home dad. My kids probably broke something you own, sorry about that. Writer. Represented by
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Shannon Carpenter 7h
I cleaned out the refrigerator, including underneath the bottom drawer, and now I need to see a therapist.
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Shannon Carpenter 14h
Wife: I think the salon went a shade too dark this time. What do you think? (Her hair is black, it's always been black. Oh god oh god oh god) Me: I can eat an entire bag of Cheeto's but then I have to nap. *Makes escape while she unpacks that statement. Crisis averted*
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 14
Replying to @justpenfold
I know. It’s practically pornographic. I’m going to sleep peacefully so fucking hard.
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 14
Shockingly, all of my kids are at a friends house tonight. Date night! Wife and I got all gussied up and saw a movie and, wait for it, went to Costco and the food court. Bought some peanut butter. This is midlife dirty talk. Later, we are going to bed at a reasonable hour.
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 14
6yo: grabs my hand at a restaurant and licks me. Me: Dude, we don’t lick people. It’s not normal. 6yo: I’m not normal. He licks me again, laughs, and takes off. I’m conflicted. I’m proud that he is comfortable with who he is. But on the other hand, licking.
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 13
6yo: I wore my pj bottoms as underwear to school today! Wife: ? Did you know about this? Me: no, but make no mistake, I’m 100% on board. That kid is going far in life and I just want to tag along.
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Shannon Carpenter retweeted
Penfold Sep 13
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Shannon Carpenter retweeted
Dad Bits Sep 13
Me: "Dang. Eddie Money died." Coworker: "Didn't he sing, 'I Love a Rainy Night.'" Me: "No. That's Eddie Rabbitt. Eddie Money sang, 'Two Tickets to Paradise.'" Coworker. "Oh. Bummer. Well, at least Eddie Rabbitt's still alive." Me: "I've got some bad news."
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 13
Alright Twitter, you helped with the satire headline and they decided it was good enough to publish Enjoy your pumpkin spice babies. Loving Couple Adopts Pumpkin Spice Baby
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Shannon Carpenter retweeted
Debby🐺Wolfinsohn Sep 13
me: focused writing is like tuning into a distant radio signal .... ... opening a channel in your brain that would otherwise be closed, accessing lost memories, events, feelings ... like time-traveling but real kids: so we need to get our own cereal is what you’re saying then
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 13
Just learned my daughter’s outgoing voicemail message is “just text me, I’m not going to call you back” and now she is my spirit animal.
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 12
Wife: Do you want... Me: go to dinner, yes, take me to dinner. Wife: I was going to say... Me: that dinner sounds like a great time! Get in the god damn car!
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Shannon Carpenter retweeted
Andrew Knott Sep 10
Before I really knew what was happening, we were decorating the front porch for Halloween in early September and I was singing Spiderwebs by No Doubt. It’s a tradition unlike any other.
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 12
Me: I have finished all the laundry! All hail my greatness! Wife: You forgot the secret pile we never talk about in the closet. And the hamper on the stairs. And all the clothes that are on the floor but not in a pile. Me: This is why you're not invited to parties.
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Shannon Carpenter retweeted
Andrew Knott Sep 12
My memory is totally unreliable, that’s one big reason I write about my kids. New one on on .
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 11
Side effects of toe fungus medication? What could possibly go wrong. Do yourself a favor and read the very funny piece by who posted this
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 11
Me: Where the hell are my headphones! I swear, you kids lose my stuff all the time and it’s shows a total lack of respect. I’ve looked everywhere. When you clean up, respect my stuff! Kids: Dad, we put them away where they are suppised to go. Honestly, what were the odds?
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 11
Sure, count me in
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 11
"Ruth Bader Ginsburg has come out as the first immortal person in the history of the human race" The Immortal Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Dance on Your Grave
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Shannon Carpenter Sep 11
Got busted doing the tooth fairy thing last night. I’m built for stealth the same way a tank is. No worries, covered nicely as I lie like a politician. Told him I was the monster under his bed and he should probably keep his eyes closed. I’m a great dad.
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