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FunnyOneLiners
Showcasing the best jokes by the best writers on Twitter since 2008.
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Fickle_Filly Mar 27
It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me.
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SpacedMom Mar 27
The best thing about homeschooling is that now I can add “I’ll fail you” to my repertoire of empty parenting threats
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Just Bill Mar 20
Bank teller was wearing a mask. I gave her all my money.
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Simon Holland Mar 18
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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ERIC THE GREAT Mar 17
Somebody please give 2020 a snickers bar.
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Darlin’ Darla Sep 24
Despite a valiant effort put forth by my dog from our living room window, our neighbor has once again successfully entered his own home.
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Felicia Feb 22
I just realized why I don't look good in pictures anymore. It's my face.
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mark exotic Feb 26
When my wife was younger she thought she would marry a Navy SEAL, but instead she just married me, a man with the body of a seal.
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That Mom Tho Mar 3
Me: How do you like your new bed? Dog: I love it, it was delicious!! Me: What? Dog: Wut
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✨Jo✨ 15 Aug 15
Table for one, please. Ma'am, your family is right behind you.
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Elizabeth Hackett Feb 11
I start going to the gym in February because that's when all the good treadmills are free again.
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Kent Graham 26 Aug 15
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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Just Bill Feb 16
If you're going to a Stones concert, be wary of the bad antacid that's been being passed around.
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Taming Fred Savage Feb 13
me: i'll have the mouse, please waiter: that's mousse, sir me: never mind then, that'll be way too much food
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Simon Holland Feb 7
One time my kid’s elementary school went 6 days in a row without a fundraiser.
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Crockett🍀 Jan 31
In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries.
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Just Bill Jan 18
Me: Where did you get these binoculars? I can see the pyramids! Her: That's a View-Master.
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Divergent Mama Jan 18
I don't understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
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Jake Vig Mar 31
In every artist's depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there's always one T-Rex looking up at it like "That can’t be good."
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Myrna Tellingheusen Jan 10
Whatever is going on with the Royal family had better not decrease the value of my Franklin Mint Princess Diana plates.
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