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Bryan Swift
⚡️Comedy⚡️Tragedy⚡️Dick Jokes⚡️
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Bryan Swift 16h
I’m “I ate 2 pieces of pizza yesterday so now I can’t poop” years old
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Bryan Swift Jan 15
This thread is so powerful
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Bryan Swift Jan 15
30 Days of Night is like the Hot Topic of vampire movies
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MZS Jan 13
“I watched this old movie/television show, and was horrified to see that the values expressed in it don’t match up to what people believe right now” is becoming a subgenre of article.
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Bryan Swift Jan 13
Once I was on an Amtrak train from ATL>NYC and was looking for a seat near the cutest girl on the train. As I looked around, she touched my hand and said “just save us both some time and take the seat next to me” and we spent the rest of the 12+ hour ride making out and talking
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Bryan Swift Jan 11
Ohhhh shit
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Bryan Swift Jan 10
I think in the porn industry those are known as granny milfs
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Bryan Swift Jan 10
My local MEDICAL marijuana dispensary can no longer accept debit or credit cards because the state atty general is threatening to shut down merchant services for accepting “drug money”. Good job Sessions, you’re really doing the lord’s work.
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Bryan Swift Jan 10
Replying to @SkinnyBIIIITCH
Ummmm stop telling everyone my dreams
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Bryan Swift Jan 10
Replying to @LexiConThe5th
Oh heyyyyyyyy 😘
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Bryan Swift Jan 10
See: dating as a single straight man in NYC
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Too Much Mouth Jan 6
1. He’s in your purse (he’s a snoop) 2. He confuses an umbrella for drugs (he’s dumb) 3. His first thought is to go to the cops? (he’s a snitch) THROW THE WHOLE HUSBAND AWAY
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Bryan Swift Jan 7
Replying to @meredithmo
Girl start a GoFundMe to get a hotel room
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Bryan Swift Jan 7
Whatcha, whatchalookinat?
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Bryan Swift Jan 5
This movie was a great choice for my nap time yesterday. Just dumb enough to sleep to, not so dumb I had to stay awake and watch.
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Bryan Swift Jan 5
I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a thing of sour patch kids. My dopamine is off the charts but I feel like I might puke. I think I finally understand the concept of purgatory.
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Bryan Swift Jan 4
I’ve corn AND potato snacks in bed right now it’s fuckin lit bitch
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Bryan Swift Jan 4
Replying to @sarahjeanalex
I’m very into the good time you seem to be having 👍🏼
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Bryan Swift Jan 4
The Exorcist (tv show) is totally making me want to fuck a demon that’s pretending to be my forbidden love
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Bryan Swift Jan 4
You know it’s a good snow day when you change out of your daytime pajamas into your nighttime pajamas
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