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Diane Auten
, of the book, The Joys of Raising Boys: The Good, the Bad, and the Hilarious. Available here:
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Diane Auten 53m
Me (driving home at 10 pm): "Shit! I only have 5 miles left until empty! I'll have to get gas before work tomorrow morning" Also me, late for work at 8 am the next day: "SHIIIIIIIIIT! I forgot I need to get gas!"
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Diane Auten retweeted
The struggle is real 9h
The evolution of school lunches: Sep-Dec: Cute, themed, carefully planned, perfectly balanced, inspired by Pinterest. Jan-Apr: Lunchables most days. May-Jun: Buy your lunch, mommy is done.
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Diane Auten retweeted
KeepItRealMom 🇨🇦 17h
After 18 years of parenting, I have officially reached expert level for ‘finishing all snacks purchased while kid was at practice, and hiding all evidence before kid gets back in the car’ 🙋🏼‍♀️
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Marissa May 21
The life cycle of a Toddler: 1. Toddler wants mac and cheese. 2. Mom goes to the store because we are out of it. 3. Toddler hugs boxes. 4. Toddler talks non-stop about m&c for well over 2 hours. 5. Mom makes m&c. 6. Toddler throws tantrum and refuses m&c. 7. Repeat forever
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Diane Auten May 21
My friend: "Why are we letting Colorado be way cooler than the rest of the US? Colorado is basically the Uncle Jesse of this situation and we’re all lookin like a bunch of square ass Danny Tanners." 😆😆😆
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Diane Auten Dec 23
There's a piece of junk mail lying in the middle of the floor in my kitchen. I'm doing an experiment to see how long it will take either my husband or 2 teenage sons to pick it up and throw it away. We are on day 3 Currently taking bets.
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Diane Auten May 20
If you want to drive your teenager crazy, instead of telling them to "look online," tell them to "look on the world wide internet."
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Diane Auten May 20
I think we can all agree, the person who created the "skip ad" button is the true hero.
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Diane Auten May 20
Replying to @ThisNurseK
Save it for after the kids go to bed 😆
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Diane Auten May 20
When you buy a chocolate cake and sit in your car in front of the grocery store to eat the whole thing, and only eat half of it.
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Brett Grayson 15 Feb 18
Is it wrong to intentionally take 20 minutes to find your kid during a game of hide-and-seek?
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Simon Holland May 20
I’ve reached the age where I respond to your 10:37 PM text at 6:05 the next morning.
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Diane Auten May 20
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Diane Auten May 19
100%
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Jacki May 19
Motherhood explained in 3 sentences: 3 walks in from a trip with his dad. His dad is holding his water bottle. 3 comes up to me and asks if I can get him water.
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ThreeTimeDaddy May 19
Took 9 year old to the cinema today, just him and me, followed by some pizza. While we were eating I said what a nice day it had been and he asked me not to chew so loud because it was really annoying.
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KeepItRealMom 🇨🇦 May 19
And for the love of god, don’t arrive empty handed. Take a meal, something for the freezer and don’t leave until you do something to make the day easier for those new parents!
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Diane Auten May 19
Replying to @SprayBooksEtc
Oh my gosh that's the worst
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Diane Auten May 19
Procrastination is going to be the death of me... not now, but maybe later.
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Diane Auten May 19
Replying to @RealTimeJason
This is the story of my life! 🤪
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