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Chase Mitchell
Emmy-losing writer for The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.
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Chase Mitchell 18h
Nation's Uncles Drafting Up One Hell Of A Thanksgiving Rant
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Chase Mitchell Nov 15
Bars should have a second bouncer who tells you if you're too old to be there.
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Chase Mitchell Nov 15
For sale: Hemingway book, never read.
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Chase Mitchell Nov 11
YO DAT KIM KARDASHIAN BUTT PHOTO GOT MORE SPECIAL EFFECTS THAN INTERSTELLAR ahem anyway have you guys been listening to serial
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Chase Mitchell Nov 8
I bet Master P's arguments with his wife always end up going back to the solid gold army tank sitting in the driveway.
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Chase Mitchell Nov 7
A quadruple amputee murdered his parents? I barely got out of bed today.
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Chase Mitchell Nov 6
My biggest fear is a guy with Ebola walking toward me yelling Interstellar spoilers.
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Chase Mitchell Nov 6
Great, now what am I going to say when I orgasm.
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Chase Mitchell Nov 1
Lime juice: Find out where you have cuts!
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Chase Mitchell Oct 31
Me: "Yo, are you a cop!? You have to tell me if you're a fuckin cop!" Trick-Or-Treater's Mom: "Uh, yes, he's dressed as a police officer."
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Chase Mitchell Oct 30
Interesting how catcallers don't like being told something about themselves that they don't want to hear.
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Chase Mitchell retweeted
Emmy Blotnick Oct 30
My anaconda doesn't even know what it wants anymore
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Chase Mitchell Oct 27
At a buffet when the server asks if you are done they should specify if they mean with the meal or being alive.
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Chase Mitchell Oct 27
America: We like our rednecks until they start acting like rednecks.
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Chase Mitchell Oct 26
Hell is just Heaven except the guy checking you in is still being trained to use the register
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Chase Mitchell Oct 24
Ironically, the safest place in New York City is now the inside of a Times Square Elmo costume.
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Chase Mitchell Oct 23
Props to Dyson for just fucking destroying it in the hand dryer game
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Chase Mitchell Oct 22
Why are we talking about Renee Zellweger's face when we SHOULD be talking about ISIS, and how fat they're getting
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Chase Mitchell Oct 20
At what point of the dream invasion and child murder was Freddy Krueger like "I should put on a sweater"
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Chase Mitchell Oct 20
Fun Fact: All of the zombie attack scenes from The Walking Dead are actually B-roll footage of me eating chicken wings.
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