Twitter | Search | |
Chase Mitchell
Emmy-losing writer for The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.
6,597
Tweets
1,072
Following
40,201
Followers
Tweets
Chase Mitchell Nov 27
So cool that all these marching bands from across the country came to New York to perform on a muted TV while your mom makes a casserole.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 26
"So no one told you life was gonna be this way/ Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA" - mean thing to say to the Rembrandts
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 26
Ready to feel old? You have inoperable colorectal cancer.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 24
Tonight was pretty much the ultimate version of "Ok I'll tell you but you gotta PROMISE you won't get mad"
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 24
Pretty good reminder that juries are just 12 idiots who had nothing better to do.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 24
"Ugly sweater" is less an article of clothing than it is a two-word description of me working out.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 21
Roll up in the club like "have you guys read this thinkpiece on Bill Cosby"
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 21
I like my lattes like I like my depression: seasonal
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 20
Nation's Uncles Drafting Up One Hell Of A Thanksgiving Rant
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 15
Bars should have a second bouncer who tells you if you're too old to be there.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 15
For sale: Hemingway book, never read.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 11
YO DAT KIM KARDASHIAN BUTT PHOTO GOT MORE SPECIAL EFFECTS THAN INTERSTELLAR ahem anyway have you guys been listening to serial
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 8
I bet Master P's arguments with his wife always end up going back to the solid gold army tank sitting in the driveway.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 7
A quadruple amputee murdered his parents? I barely got out of bed today.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 6
My biggest fear is a guy with Ebola walking toward me yelling Interstellar spoilers.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 6
Great, now what am I going to say when I orgasm.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Nov 1
Lime juice: Find out where you have cuts!
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Oct 31
Me: "Yo, are you a cop!? You have to tell me if you're a fuckin cop!" Trick-Or-Treater's Mom: "Uh, yes, he's dressed as a police officer."
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell Oct 30
Interesting how catcallers don't like being told something about themselves that they don't want to hear.
Reply Retweet Favorite
Chase Mitchell retweeted
Emmy Blotnick Oct 30
My anaconda doesn't even know what it wants anymore
Reply Retweet Favorite